Friday, May 24, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 171-175 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved


Chapter 11Eleven

 

            SheVicki woke a short time later to Cliff’s gentle kiss.  VickieShe roused lazily, her eyes staying shut as she enjoyed the heat and silky feel.

The mouth open but her eyes not.  Then Cliff withdrew. left hers. “Hey, Vickie, I’m hungry. And this floor is getting hard.”

Vickie sighed. “You’re a man of creature comforts, aren’t you Mr. Hawkesclyffe,”?” Grudgingly, she said, openingopened her eyes. When she saw his playful grin and naked chest, she lost her reluctance.

“I do, indeed.” He chuckled.  “And you’re“You’re one comfortable creature.” He skittered away when she took a swat at him.

She laughed. “I’ve never seen you move like that.”

 

            “Oh, “I’m well-versed in all the latest forms of movement. You know, sidewaysSideways, backward, forward, in, out…”—”

“I thought you said you were hungry,” she.” She blushed. “That’s what you said, blushing..”

 

            “Ravenous. “Yes, I’m ravenous. Shall we go out to eat? I’ll pay.”

“Well, since you eat all my food anyway, I suppose that’s only fair.  Just kidding,” she said when his .”

His face fell pitifully. “

“Kidding. You only eat most of it.”

The grin returned. “I guess I do. Okay, then. Let’s go!”

“Let’s get dressed first, shall we?

They went to a local 24 hour restaurant. Cliff ordered the biggest meal on the menu, and Vickie did, too, stating.

Vickie handed the waiter her menu. “Double it. I’ll have everything he’s having.” When both men stared at her she said, “The best defense is a good offense.” They also ordered bread sticks and mozzarella balls as appetizers, and malted milks with the appetizers. Cliff demolished half the bread sticks and cheese balls in one minute. Vickie timed it.

She raised teasing brows. “You’re losing your competitive speed,” she teased..”

“Can’t help it, eating with you. Now, maybe if you challenged me more…”—”

“What, by hiding my food? By making it harder to identify?”

“How about by distracting me?” He waggled both brows.

Vickie blushed. Why could she only think of one way of distracting him?  “Besides, “I would, but that only makes you ravenous afterward.” She blushed harder.

 

            NowBut Cliff colored.  Good, she had reddened too. Yay, she’d finally gotten him.  Served him right, Only fair with the way he hadcould wrap her wrapped around his little finger…or other parts of his anatomy. She blushed again.

 

            He started in on the rest of the He grabbed another two bread sticks.  “Well, let’s“Shall we change the subject. ? So, how. How many kids do you want?”

“Wait.” Her jaw slacked, and for a moment, she couldn’t answer. “What?”

“Kids. You know, children. How many are you going to have?”

 

            Oh.  You, not we. “I don’t know. A lot depends on my spouse. Kids take two parents, you know.”

“I know.”

She blushed again. How did they get back on that topic? “I mean to raise. Two parents to raise kids. I figure by myself, I could handle one. Maybe if my spouse likes to work with kids, we could have two or three.”

“And a dog.”

“And a house with a white picket fence. But I’d need the husband first. I don’t think I’d enjoy taking care of all of that by myself. It’s enough to get themy dishes done every week.”

“Every week! You dust muffin. My dishes get done daily.”

“Yeah? How?”

He shrugged. “I use paper plates.”

“Ah.” She looked at him, considering. thought he had a housekeeper, but maybe Hannah was strictly a cook. But even if then she’d thought he’d have a maid, or live-in companion. He really was quite complex. “How many kids do you want?”

 

            “Oh,” he said innocently, “I guess I could handle one by myself, too.  ,” he said, suspiciously innocent-sounding echoing her words. “Being an only child, though, I’d make a lot of mistakes.  I guess it would be better I’d like to getbe married, so my spouse could help me out. Then I could have two. I guess I could even handle three. Especially if we kept Hannah on to cook.”

“I guess.” She suddenly felt very uncomfortable with the whole conversation. “It’s supposed to rain tomorrow,” she said, abruptly changing the topic., you know.”

He sighed almost inaudibly. “Cold front moving through, I expect.”

Was that aimed at her? Luckily, their soup and salad arrived then, and Cliff was momentarily distracted. When he surfaced, Vickie was ready for him.

“Did you notice Tess today? She was walking around like she was on cloud nine. Didn’t hear a word I said.”

“Oh, yes, I’d mentioned our little talk to John. I expect he asked her out.”

Spoilsport. What good was an exciting secret if someone knew it already? “Why didn’t you tell me?” she complained.

“Sorry. I figuredthought Tess would tell you.”

She stabbed her cherry tomato, irritated. “Tess was about as coherent as brain‑damaged BASIC,” she said, just a bit irked.

 

            “That’s funny. . The only thing that came out of her mouth was “Singin’ in the Rain”. I have no idea what key she was in.”

“I thought being in love was supposed to make you energetic.”

“Only for certain things.”  Oh, howHow had she gotten on that topic again?

“Speaking of which, how about we go to my place after this? Much better showers.”

“Is the mat any softer?”

He laughed.  “Now brace“Brace yourself, Vickie. . I have a real, live bed.”

“I bet it’s a water bed, you being a handsome bachelor, and all.”

“Nope. Just a plain old bed. I had to argue forever with Mum just to get upgrade my little twin to a queen size.”

 

            “But after your mother passed away?”

 

            “There was no need.  I told you, mostThe waiter cleared their salads and there was a silence. Vicky could only think of one question. She tried to be delicate. “And later?” After his mother passed away.

“I don’t care what kind of reputation I have, Vicky. I’m not a playboy. Most women wereare just interested in this body.  Later, they were interested in or the money as well. . I don’t need that. I don’t want that. And I certainly don’t bring that home.”

 

            How did you get so good with so little practice, she wanted to ask.  Instead, she said, “What do you need?”

“Someone to love me.”

There it was again. Only this time, she knew he at least returned her interest, if not her love. . She opened her mouth to say it. I could be that person.

The waitress zoomed up—and dropped Cliff’s hot plate in his lap.  He jumped up, astonished.  Then he yelped as theHe leaped to his feet, yelping as scalding gravy seeped through his pants leg. The waitress, embarrassed, tried to blot the gravy patted his slacks with a napkin, but to blot the gravy. Cliff pushed her away. He closed his eyes, then, moments later said calmly, “everything’sEverything’s fine.  I think we’d.”

“But sir, your slacks—”

“Please, don’t trouble yourself. We’d like our check now.”

The manager, at rushed to the table by this time,without being called. He apologized profusely.  “Your meal“You and your wife’s meal is on the house, sir.”

As Vickie helped a wounded Cliff back to the car (they had taken the red sports car today) she suddenly realized what the manager had said. Your wife. It had sounded so natural, she had hardly noticed at the time.  ‘Grow up Vickie.  It’s not natural unless you have a ring on your finger.’

She glanced at her left hand, wondering what a ring would look like there.

“You’ll have to drive.” He handed her the keys, his lips thinned and clamped together.

She was immediately concerned. “I thought you were okay!”

“No. I’m in pain.”

“Oh, Cliff, we should have gotten that leg in cold water, right away.”

“It’s all right. We’re close to home. I have some first aid things there. You remember the way, right?”

She thought, ‘how could I forget anything do to with you?’

But she just said, “Of course,” and climbed into the driver’s seat. Cliff eased himself into the passenger side as Vickie attempted to start the damn beast.

She flooded the engine, so she had to push the accelerator pedal to the floor. Then it started, roaring to life so suddenly she pulled her foot immediately off the accelerator. The engine coughed and died. Cliff muttered something about really being in pain now, but merely smiled at her when she looked at him. A thin smile, but she wasn’t going to be picky while she was fighting with this miserable machine. They would have taken her car, but she had been floating in the afterglow of…the engine hummed into life.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 166-170 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved

            Their eyes met, and she saw for the first time how carefully he watched her, gauging her, as though he could see the warring emotions inside her, and. Then he smiled; he[M1]  knew how the battle had been decided.

Vickie dropped her gaze, and found herself looking at the chest she had been caressing just moments ago in the gym. She reached, hypnotized, to touch the droplets forming on hisone broad chestpectoral[M2] , and as she did so, he movedstepped closer. Her eyes jerked up.

 

            VickieShe stood breathless before him, a whisper separating them, gazing wonderingly at the open desire in his eyes. He waited a moment longer, then,  nodded as if he was sure that she was ready, he and took her in his arms and. He pulled her completely toflush with him. The full contact electrified her.

 

            Cliff smiled contentedly, eyes half shut. Eyelids lowering sensually, he gave her a satisfied smile. One hand slowly caressed her back while the other turned off the shower.  VickieShe breathed deeply of his scent, clean and warm. Stretching against him, she savored the silky feel of his skin against hers.

 

            VickieShe turned her face to rub her cheek onagainst his chest, and he. He dropped a gentle kiss on her head.  HeAnd when he touched her cheek with his thumb, reassuring to reassure her.  She she looked up at him, no longer hesitant.  Then slowly, taking his time, he His smile heated to intense desire and he lowered his head to kiss her mouth.

He kissedtook his time, kissing her quite thoroughly[M3] . She was dizzy from the kiss before he released her to breathe, only to take her mouth again, this time even longer. He explored her lips, tasting them, teasing them, savoring the sweetness of her mouth.

He licked a bit at the corner of her mouth, then lightly kissed her cheek and temple. When he nibbled her earlobe, she felt a thrill runran down her spine to her hips. His tongue tickled her ear.

Then he kissed her mouth again, long and luxuriously. This was so different from Ron, even from Cliff’s other kisses. He was in no hurry.  Feeling slightly woozyWoozy[M4] , she lay back in his arms and was surprised when he picked her up from the floor.

He cuddled her into one brawny arm, deepening the kiss. With his other hand he began to lightly explore her breastsbreast, circling onea curve with hard fingertips, then flattening his hand and cupping her. She sighedgasped when he moved so that his palm brushed softly over her nipple. “Cliff?”

“Mmmm?”

 

            Vickie felt warmWarm [M5] and buzzy, and the words would not come. So, reaching up, she put herslid a hand on top of his, pushing against him, trying to make him give hergo harder and faster, to get past the pressure she needed to relieve the tension she felt building inside.preliminaries Ron had always found awkward. [M6] 

“Wait.” He slowly licked and nibbled the sensitive skin of her neck, his. His hand now movingmoved lazily down to caress her soft belly. Tension trailed his touch. She attempted to arch into thathis hand, but could gain no purchase against his arm. Frustrated, she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull herself up, but he merely released her to slide slowly, agonizingly, down his taut, muscular torso.


He took her hand and smiled into her eyes. “More?”

“Please.” She panted it a little.

He lead [M7] her by the hand out of the shower room and into his locker room. There, he lay her down on a mat, placed one big thigh between her legs, and lowered his weight onto his arms. Her eyes widened at the sight of his huge chest and biceps swelling. Then he lowered his mouth to her breast, kissing the curve underneath, then on top. Vickie gasped when he used the tip of his tongue to wet the nipple, watching with interest asmaking it puckered. pucker.

She wanted him to suckle her, to feel the hot tug of that clever mouth, and pulled on his head.

“Not yet,” he said, kissing.” He kissed the other breast just as sweetly. After lingering there, he trailed small, gentle kisses down her torso, stopping when he reached her belly. He shifted his weight down slightly, then licked her abdomen so lightly with his tongue that she could only feel it withhis tongue tickle the small hairs there. A few more kisses brought him near the place she throbbed with tension, and she moved. She slid her legs open so he could access it, but he skipped over it to nibble her thigh.  She groaned with her desire, built up . Finally. Ron would have been inside and almost to her limit. done by now.

 

            “But Cliff skipped over her sex to nibble her thigh. She groaned with her desire; he was stoking her need, building it up until she wanted to grab him, throw him on his back, and take him.

“Cliff, please,” she gasped, but.

But he only licked the other thigh, tracing a line from outer muscle to smooth, creamy skin inside.  Finally she could stand it no longer.

“Enough!” She grabbed his head with both hands and to stop his sensual torture. “In, now.” She tried to pull him up her body, to make him give her the release she desperately wanted. He did not movesmiled lazily at all beyond lifting his bodyher and lifted himself in a pushup, leaving just enough room to accommodate hers; instead, her body. She swallowed heavily at the sight of tense arms and chest. She wanted him, and she slid down under him, legs wanted him now. She scooted downward to put her hips beneath his. It trapped her legs between his.  Then, with

With one big hand he captured both her wrists. Slowly, he allowed his weight to rest completely on her. And there, finally was the proof that he wanted her as much as she wanted him. His erection pulsed along the length of her belly, exciting her unbearably. Unable to move, she looked up into his face, trying to gauge his intention. . His smile was still languid, but deep in his half‑lidded eyes glittered powerful, raw desire.

Again he waited. She knew he waited for her readiness.  In the long seconds, she felt at last the answering tension in his own body, waiting only for her. . And knowing he wanted her and cared for her pleasure, she parted her lips, inviting him to share in herself.

He kissed her hard then. . His tongue pushed her mouth completely open, driving into the sweet depthsher with hot fire.  He used his freeA hand to cupcupped her breast, testing the weight of it and excitingthumbing the nipple with his thumb.  His mouth soon sought what his hand held, and she gasped when he until little shocks made her whole breast heavy and full. He bent and suckled her. She gasped. His hand roamed over those parts of her he did not cover, feeling her silky hair and soft thigh and smooth hip.  At last he freely, along her hip and thigh and then to brush fire along the groove of her sex. She moaned. He set up a rhythm and the fire burned higher, threatening to overwhelm her.

Just before it did, he rose from her, parting onto his knees. Desire naked in his eyes, he parted her thighs with his big hands, desire naked in  his eyes. . He slid one hand under her hips, raising them, and put all his weight onto his other arm. Then, with a concentration so total it consumed them both, he drove himself completely into her.

 

            He had prepared her so thoroughly she peaked immediately.  Even so, when she had finished her release, it only took the rhythmic thrusting of his hips to bring her back to a higher level of excitement than before. Shockwaves burst through her. She whimpered and clutched his brawny back as he began to thrust, rising even higher. He bent his supporting arm to kiss her again, increasing his pace. . She wrapped her arms around his neck, buckling his supporting arm and pulling his chest down him completely on top of her. His weight was welcome, exciting. He slid his hands down her hips and thighs, pushingcurling her legs up around his waist.  VickieShe locked her legs at the ankle, driving him in even deeper.  WrappedShe wrapped him completely in her body,; he lostseemed to lose all rationality and poundedbegan to pound into her with his total strength. [M8] 

 

            Sensing his abandon, VickieShe held ononto him for dear life.  He was, her only anchor in the whirlwind of sensations gripping her deep within her thighs, where Cliff. He was generating enough friction within her thighs to make her burst into flames.  Then sheShe felt him swell, and pause, release imminent, but still waiting…waiting for her.

The knowledge that he cared for her, even in the extremes of his desire, pushed her over the edge, and she was falling, shuddering, pulling him with her. It went on for longer than she could ever remember.  ThenGradually it was over, but even the echo of their release was sweeter than any that came before. slowed. Echoes throbbed sweetly. A deep calm washed over her.   She felt Cliff cuddleHe slid onto the mat next to her, pulled her into his arms and cuddled her to him. She looked up at him with sleepy eyes. With a naturalness she that would have surprised her another time, she curled up in Cliff’shis arms and fell asleep.[M9] 


 [M1]This is the dreaded head swapping. I think it's subtle, but we're supposed to be in Vickie's point of view. So a bald "he knew" seems to be in his head and is jarring. But add an expression and now she can see in his face what he's thinking.
 [M2]When I originally wrote this romances were defnitely closed-door and vague terms when it came to physical love, or at least the romances I was reading at the time. I really like a more explicit language.
 [M3]I was into slow buildup :) But telling doesn't create the feeling as well as showing.
 [M4]More filter words cut to show cleaner writing.
 [M5]more filter words
 [M6]On rereading, while they've gone through the motions of making love, I as a reader wasn't anywhere near tense, so it was too soon for Vickie to be at the point of needing to "relieve the tension".
 [M7]You can read things a thousand times and still miss stuff. This should be led.
 [M8]This whole thing needed a better buildup. He strokes, she's there doesn't quite cut it.
 [M9]And once we are there, a bit more lingering is good, plus defining the moment with small actions.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 156-160

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved


It was personal, and terribly, terribly unprofessional. She was grateful he didn’t embrace her, which would have confirmed she was too thin-skinned to play in the big boys’ sandbox; even worse it would’ve shown he didn’t truly understand. Either would kill her a little inside.
But he did rub her shoulder consolingly as she worked it out. It was nice.
When she had wound down to red eyes and sniffles, she said, “Crying is the absolute worst thing you can do in a business environment. It’s a sign you’re not professional. And here I’ve done it twice, in front of the CEO. I guess that proves I’m not cut out to be a professional.”
Cliff shook his head. “Maybe they wouldn’t think so at Stuffed Shirt Corporation. But not here.”
Vickie looked up at him; she felt her heart was in her eyes.
He gave her an understanding smile. “You know what I think? I think a real professional admits their problems and shortcomings, personal and business, and then does the job anyway. You do that.”
She rubbed her nose. “I thought you had to be perfect.”
“Sure, if you buy into that style of professionalism—the uptight, anal‑retentive kind that can’t integrate different parts of life.” He watched her closely.
She nodded glumly. She couldn’t integrate working for him, working with him, being friends with him, and definitely not this physical need for him.
He sighed. “I’m not going to try to talk you into being my lover. That’s not fair to you. But I do want you to understand my feelings on being human and professional. Think about it.”
Vickie wiped her eyes. Being human and professional. He really got it. She’d have said something then, embarrassed herself by asking him if he did care even a little.
But he went on. “Anyway, I think we’ve done all the damage we can do here. I recommend we shower, get some food and get back to work. I could eat a moose, hooves and all.”
That brought some normalcy back. She decided now was definitely not the time to go into feelings. If he was hungry, and she knew from experience, he was not going to be thinking of much else until he was fed.
But while, after that workout, she certainly could use a shower before going out in public, she’d never used the one in the locker rooms, having been warned by John they were irritable like Grumpy Cat. “I didn’t bring a towel.”
“There’s a supply closet just outside the stalls. Towels are there, shampoo and extra soap too. Just drop the towel in the hamper when you’re done.” His stomach growled. “Let’s get going.”
“Okay.” She turned from him to head for the women’s locker room. Stopped and asked without turning, “Did you really mean that, about being human and professional?”
“Hopefully you know by now I mean what I say. C’mon, shower and something to eat. I’ll even share my dessert.”
“Well, how can I resist such a selfless offer?” She walked as sprightly as she could away from him, into the women’s locker room.
Once she gained the safety of the closed door, she sank back against it, utterly miserable. She’d just told the best damn man she’d ever met that she didn’t want to be his lover—when that was all she wanted to do.
She heard Cliff banging his locker; odd, she hadn’t heard it when they came down here before. She bit her lip and fought back tears again. Cliff wasn’t Ron. He proved that just now, proved he cared about her. Sure, maybe he didn’t want to be her one-and-only, but what was wrong with having at least part of him? Carpe diem, as Grandpa used to say.
The thought galvanized her. She straightened and went to the small locker. What would it be like, being Cliff’s lover? She pulled the shoulder of her leotard off, imagining that his hands were doing it. She rolled it over her breasts, seeing his eyes riveted to her. Her hands pushed the stretch material over her hips. She bent over, dreaming that she was exposing her most private areas for him.
A door banged. The sharp hiss of a shower next door told her she’d better get a move on. Now would not be the time to be late.
Vickie pulled off the rest of her clothes and hurried across the ceramic tile, her bare feet making little pungs on the floor in her impatience and confusion. She’d blown it for today. But there was always tomorrow, right? Great, just put her in an antebellum gown on the steps of Tara. She spun the shower dial. Water blasted out cold; she gasped and grabbed the knob to adjust it to less than arctic temperature.
“Gotcha, didn’t it? I forgot to warn you about that. These showers are a bit temperamental.”
Vickie jumped. Cliff’s voice seemed quite near. She scanned the stall. It took a moment to find the section of wall above her, apparently open between the two showers. “Cliff, is that you?”
“You were expecting maybe the Spanish Inquisition? No, John just finally got around to calling the plumbers in. That wall was opened for repairs to this cranky plumbing.”
“Are you sure you don’t have a ladder over there? I mean, for the repair work and all?” Vickie stepped under the shower, wet her hair and began to shampoo, keeping one eye on the hole.
“Scout’s honor, Vickie. But if it’ll help, I’ll be glad to talk to you. Or better yet, sing.”
“Sweet Simon Cowell, not another bathroom Star Search.”
Cliff began to warble tentatively. “Mi, mi, mi. Ah, such good acoustics. I never could see why opera wasn’t performed in the shower instead of a great drafty barn. Okay, now. Vesti, Pagliacci.” He swarmed up to the high note and cracked broadly. “Say, remind me to tell you how tenors really get the high ones.”
Vickie sighed to herself. ‘She could even live with his singing. She was an incredible dope. Or he’s an in credible man, a little inner voice reminded. She began to soap her body, trying unsuccessfully to avoid stimulating her overworked libido.
Cliff began again, this time with something he called Madama Butterfly. He briefly sounded as though he were drowning, then began again.
“What did you ever do with all the money your mom gave you for singing lessons?” Vickie assayed this little dig as a sign of her professional resilience.
“Ha.” Cliff forced his voice like a rusted locomotive up the mountainside, creaking precariously among the high notes.
“Ouch!” A bar of soap had just hit her in the head.
“Hey, where’d my soap go?” asked Cliff.
“Here, on my head,” she called back. “I probably have a concussion. What were you doing, anyway?”
“Just putting a little oomph into it. I must have shot it through the gap in the wall. I bet I couldn’t do that again in a zillion years.”
Vickie picked up the soap from the floor. This was his soap. It smelled like him. She closed her eyes and filled her lungs with the scent.
“Hey, Vickie, just toss it back over to me.”
She imagined herself to be the soap, gliding over each wonderful, strong curve of his body, secretly kissing every part of him.
“Okay, Vickie, I promise not to sing any more; just give me back my soap. Vickie?”
She took a long, ragged breath. It was time to stop playing games. With herself, with Cliff, with any time they might have left together. She took another breath to tell him. Her heart dropped dizzyingly into the pit of her stomach. Her throat dried and she could barely speak.
But she forced herself to say the words. “Why don’t you come and get it?”
There was a stunned silence, then the other shower turned off. A faint creak from Cliff’s shower door. A few moments of breathless anticipation.
Her door opened. She turned in the shower, one arm crossing her breast to her shoulder, the other holding the soap out, trying not to tremble. The steam boiled across the door and cleared.
Cliff filled the doorway, motionless as though carved from rock. The powerful beauty of his naked body struck Vickie physically. Hair was plastered over his brow, making tiny rivulets down his jaw, neck, torso, trickling down his smooth tanned skin.