Hot Chips and Sand 200-205 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved

Chapter 13Thirteen

Saturday rained[M1] . Vickie packed, then wandered around her apartment that rainy Saturday, putting the finishing touches on the generic furnishings. Without her things around, it looked like a hotel suite, blank and without character.  ‘Tabula rasa, ’ thought Vickie, ‘just like myher future. A clean slate, ready to be rewritten.’  She changed into her robe and slippers, feeling like aas frumpy hausfrau.  The as the dreary day outside complemented her mood.  ‘Tea usually makes me feel better,’ she thought.  ‘I’ll nuke some water. She unpacked her teapot and watch the news, fall asleep in front of the tube and feel better in the morning.’

She had just put the honey back in the cabinet and waskettle on her way to sit when the doorbell rang.

Vickie opened the door. John and Tess stood outside in the rain, looking awkward, sheepish and concerned. “May we come in?” asked John. “It’s a little on the humid side out here.”

“Sure, guys, what’s. What’s up? Want some tea? Let me turn down the babble box.”

“Thanks, Vickie, I’d like some,” said John.  “And stop“Stop acting like we’re company, It’s only us, remember?”

“John and I have been talking about, well, you know, Cliff and you.  We understand why you’re upset, and want you to know that’s okay with us.”

“Your breaking up with Cliff doesn’t bother us,” Tess added.[M2] 

“You love me anyway, huh,” Vickie attempted to smile.

“IJohn nodded. “Although we think you’re both acting like fools.”

Now Vickie did smile. “Don’t beat around the bush, John. Why don’t you come out and say what you really mean.”

John crossed his arms over his chest. “For smart managementexecutives, neither of you is being too smart about your personal life. personally. Why don’t you wait for him to come back, Vickie, so you canwant talk this thing out?”

Vickie sighed. “I don’t think so.  I don’t think it would change anything.”   The telephoneVickie’s phone rang.  Tess answered it.  “Yes, yes.  I’ll

“Aren’t you going to get her.  Vickie, it’s for you.”that?”

“I rather doubt it would be for anyone else, unless you’ve been followed.  This is my apartment, after all.  At least for a while.”Vickie“I suppose.” She took the phone. her phone from her jeans pocket and hit connect. “Hello, Vickie Johnston.”

As Vickie took the phone, John spoke quietly to Tess.  “She’s not gone, yet.  If she can come up with a cracks like that, she’s still in there.  I hope we can get her out in time.”

Vickie leaned against the wall, wondering who would be call ing her today, of all days.  “Hello?”[M3] 

“Ms. Johnston, this is Hannah, Cliff’s cook. We’ve never met, but Cliff has told metalked a lot about you.  I talked to A lot.”

Her cheeks heated. She wondered what Cliff had said.

“John the other day, and he tells me you’re planning to leave.”

“Yes, uhum, Hannah.” How bizarre. Was even Cliff’s cook ganging up on her? “I’m done with the project, after all.”

“Look, Ms. Johnston, I don’t want to look like I’m interfering. And I know that what Ireally don’t want to tell you will sound like I’m trying to take advantage of you. come off as manipulative. But you should know—Cliff hasn’t done this since his dad, Colonel Hawkesclyffe, was killed.”

“Done what, Hannah?”

“Well, the night beforeVickie’s forehead hurt. “I don’t understand.”

“Before he left for the Middle East, Cliff took dinner in his room, didn’t come down to the kitchen like he usually does.  I brought eat. I took up a tray and left it by the door, knocking and telling him it was there.  Well, when. But I went up to bed, the tray was still there, untouched. And you know how Cliffhe eats.”

 

“Oh, maybe“Was he was just a little ill.  sick?”

“No.” Hannah’s voice went flat with emotion. “He was crying.”

“I…I’m sorry for him.”, what?”

 

“That’s not all, Ms. Johnston.  When I went past, I heard him crying.  That’s what he “He hasn’t done that for over twenty years, ma’am.  Ms. Johnston?”.”

Vickie started out of her thoughts.  Cliff, that big bucket of testosterone, crying? “Why?”

“I think you know why. He was miserable you two fought. Which is why I think you need to stay, until he gets back. Hear him out.”

Did heCliff care about her that much?  “Oh, um, well, I don’t know what to say.  Uh, thanks for the information.  “Well. Thanks for calling to tell me.”

“You’ll stay?”

Put pointblank like that, did she have a choice? “Yes.  YesAll right, I’ll waitstay at least to seehear him again.  Thanks.  Good‑bye.”

“Who was that, Vickie?” asked Tess.

“Hannah, Cliff’s cook. As if you didn’t know. Okay, if everyone’s going to gang up on me, I’ll wait until Cliff comes back to make my final decision.”

John and Tess looked at each other.  and some tension went out of their stances. John said, “Thanks. But you should also know that we’re not all ganging up on you.  WeYes, we talked to Hannah, but her calling was her own idea, not ours. . Tess, maybe we should go now, and let Vickie think. Or rest. Or, whatever.”

Vickie had already retreated into her own mind.  ‘Cried.  Oh, no, this just makes it worse.  Why couldn’t he just be a black‑hearted pirate allwas staring at the time instead of the wonderful guy he is?  [M4] Why did he have to be only almost perfect?’

 

Vickie’stube, but her thoughts were turned inward. Her eyes focused onbarely registered the television.  The talking head was saying something and, a map was over his shoulder.  Something

Then something about the outline caught Vickie’s attention and she dug a little into her memory.  “That looks . It looked like— “That’s Middle Yemen.  Just a minute, guys, don’t go yet.” Tess, John. Wait.” Vickie increased the volume as John and Tess looked back.

“…are still unclear, but it appears that the counter‑coupcountercoup was successful, and that. Prince Kulinahr has been confirmed as the legitimate leader of Middle Yemen by theits Parliamentary Council.  in a unanimous vote. The whereabouts of Colonel Hafez Fahrrad are still unknown.”

Vickie let out a whoop of joy, and almost missed what came next.

“In a related story, Sir Humphrey Hawkesclyffe, founder and owner of Hawkesclyffe Computers, has been reported missing in the street fighting and confusion in Middle Yemen. Sir Hawkesclyffe was apparently involved in some business in the country and may have been caught up in the fighting. for business. The government of Middle Yemen has assured both the British and American ambassadors that Sir Hawkesclyffe’s safe return is a top priority.”

Vickie stared at the television, stunned.  ‘Oh, shit. “Crap. He’s gone and put Kulinahr back in power.  That’s what he was doing?” Was that waswhat he’d been so secret.’  “John, Tess, dosecretive about? “Do you realize what this means?”

“Yeah, it,” John said. “It means he’s missing. I’ll get in touch with our Washington people right now.”  John movedHe started toward the door.

 

“No, no not that.  The big secret.   Cliff’s gone and Cliff had put Kulinahr back in power.”  ‘. He iswas perfect.  PerfectAnd perfect for me.’  “It’s too much of a coincidence that he’s there just when Kulinahr throws a counter‑coup.  Look, you her. “You guys can call me the biggest fool in history. And thanks for talking me into staying. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here for this.”

 

“For what?  Vickie, you’re not making any sense,” John said cautiously.

 

In her excitement, Vickie totally missed the change in John’s tone.  “Look.  Cliff had some big secret when he left for Middle Yemen.  Something he wouldn’t tell.  Now, he ends up missing in Middle Yemen just after a coup.  Isn’t that too much to ask of coincidence?”[M5] 

 

John “We don’t know that,” Tess said. “We don’t know he’s behind the countercoup.”

“Actually, we do.” John turned the tube down.  “Yes, it is.  Vickie, I’m going“Time to come clean. Cliff and I were planningplanned this all along, since Fahrrad overtooktook the country.”

“You knew! You rat, John!  I could have!” She could’ve missed a heck of a lot of heartache if you had told me before this.”he’d trusted her with the information.

 

“Calm down, Vickie.” “I couldn’t tell you.” John ran his hand back through his hair. “Cliff would havewould’ve killed me if I’d gotten you involved.  This is aFahrrad’s dangerous business, at best.  And now it looks like Fahrrad has. He kidnapped Cliff, and it’s become deadly.”you, remember?”

 

That set“That’s right.” Tess snapped her fingers. “And now Cliff is missing. Do you think he’s kidnapped Cliff?”

Both Vickie and Tess both back.  “How do you figure, John?”  Tess asked.   stared at her. John groaned. “Damn. You could be right.”

Vickie was speechless.said, “Why would Fahrrad kidnap Cliff? Ransom?”

“In“No. Only Fahrrad has the codes to the new defense system. But in order to get Kulinahr back in the country, the new defense system Cliff had to be overridden.  The only people who could do that are Fahrrad and Cliff.  Cliff knows the override it. He went in through a back door toin the system.  So, the fact that Cliff has come up missing , one he’d left himself.”[M6] 

“He gave himself away?”

“Yes, but worse. He’d be the only one who can only mean thatfix it. Even if Fahrrad has him.  Don’t mistake, Fahrrad’s hasn’t figured that out, clever.  And and desperate. The world is changing around him; he hasn’t many places to go.  I just know that he’s going toHe’ll try to use Cliff as insurance.”

Tess clutched John’s hand. “He caught Cliff as a hostage?”

“But Cliff has never been caught before,” Vickie said in a small voice.

“Cliff has never let himself get caught before,” John musedsaid.

Vickie did not voice her fear.  This time, maybe he felt like she’d swallowed ice. Maybe Cliff hadn’t wanted to escape. After the way she had treated him, after he hadhe’d trusted her, kissed her…more…maybe he could have wanted to get caught. Or maybe he just didn’t care.  ‘Oh, dear God, please let him be okay.

---

 [M1]Putting the time first, especially at the start of the chapter, serves to ground the reader.

 [M2]Dialog must sound realistic but shouldn't be everyday stuff. Cut out the pleasantries and get to the meat.

 [M3]A lot of expressly saying things that can be much better shown by a few deft actions or words.

 [M4]Yeah yeah, wonderful guy--we've heard this only a couple dozen times before. Get on with the story, already :)

 [M5]I say the same thing maybe three times. Sometimes I write around the idea instead of writing the idea itself. That's fine in draft, but editing is for finding and writing the real nugget.

 [M6]This may change.

Hot Chips and Sand 196-200 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved

Vickie returned from lunch irritable. She tried to work, but couldn’t keep her mind on the simplest task. So she got up and went to the gym.

 

            ItWhich reminded her of Cliff, but at least it wasn’t the men’s locker room. That would have been intolerable.  She hadShe’d brought some old baggy sweats from her apartment, and climbed onto the stair machine. She was slogging away on her second climb when John entered.

“Thought I might find you here.”

“Why?” she puffed.

“Cliff does the same thing when he gets worked up. He works out. Hey, you’re doing that wrong, you know.”

She threw him a look that, if she had been any less tired, would have wilted him. “Really? I didn’t think you could do this wrong.”

“Oh, sure. You have to stand straight, otherwise you’re not getting the maximum benefit out of it.”

She straightened her posture, found herself worn out in five minutes, and stopped.

John, who had been warming up on the cycle, came over. “Great. Now, what weights do you do?”

She shrugged. “Oh, you know, the manly ones. Two hundred pound bar‑bellsbarbells, and the like.”

“Okay, since this is your first time, let’s start over here at the machines. Free weights are more effective, but you need to have some strength built up first, or you might hurt yourself.”

“Thanks, Arnold. What else?”

“Hey, I built Cliff’s body, I can do yours.”

“I don’t want a body like Cliff’s.” Yes, I do, said her libido. She shushed the traitorous thing.

“What was that?” John looked over his shoulder.

“I said, what is that thing there?”

“This is the first machine I want you to try. We’ll start with twenty pounds. It’s for your back muscles, this set here, feel them? . Okay, now pull smoothly, and don’t let the weights fall on the way back. Good.”

While she worked out, John kept up a steady stream of conversation. Tess had sicced him on her, to distract her from the painCliff, Vickie thought acidly. But, turnabout was fair play, so as long as he was talking, she asked him casually about he and Tess.

 

            ““So I understandheard you and Tess dined at Deliano’s had a romantic dinner last night. Did they burn the crust at Deliano’s again?”

John just grinned. “I wouldn’t have noticed.”

 

            Hooboy.  He had “Wow. You have it bad.  “Yeah, I didn’t.” To think either of you were making footprints on the floor.”  Tess was, Vickie had been floating around, too.  Vickie just wished she could join them up in the clouds.   like Tess a few short weeks ago.[M1] 

She started pushing the weights savagely.

“Hey, take it easy. You don’t build strength that way, you tear muscles.”

John took her through machines for her biceps, triceps, pectorals, gluteus maximus and muscles she couldn’t even find, much less remember the names of. When John finally called it quits, she felt like a colander full of spaghetti, she was trembling so hard.

“I think you’ll do just fine. Remember, don’t work out tomorrow.  Do some aerobic sorts of things.  Then the next day you can do the weights againtomorrow.”

“I’ll remember.”  ‘Every time I sitshe sat down I’llshe’d remember. Or try to stand. Or lift something. Or do anything.’

 

            She was sore, but felt But her mood lightenhad lightened for the first time since Cliff had gone.  Though just a short while ago, it felt like years.  She laughed, a little rusty, but mirth nonetheless.  A sudden twinge made . The next day, when her grimace.  With John training her, her body would make it feel like years, too.

 

            The same thing happened the next day.  Finally her irritation led herblack mood hit she went faster to the gym, where she hit the stair machine, did a . A mile running, and lay a whilefew minutes in the sauna.  Refreshed, she was able refreshed her enough to finish her day’s work.

 

            The day after that, when Three days later, John told her she gave in to her mood a little faster, John was waiting for her in the gym.  He coached her through the weights, which were somewhat easier this time.  Except then he expected her to do them all again.  Thus she was unhappily introduced to the concept of sets as it applied to physical training.

 

            Two days later it was the same thing.  It was a little harder today because she hadn’t slept well the night before.  But she made it through with John’s help, and sleptwas doing better that night.  The next day she did over one hundred flights of stairs on the machine, and ran another half mile.  The day after that she did three rounds of weights.  John smiled, pleased.

 

            “You’re coming along well, Vickie.  . “Your stamina has improved significantly. . That means your cardiovascular system is stronger.”

 

            “Then why is it my arms hurt?” “I’m even getting muscles.” She flexed one biceps, rather proud she’d gotten rid of the small knot there.  At least it wasn’t flab.

 

            “All your muscles are getting a work out.  But your body is responding well.  You should be seeing some real results next week.”

 

            “Great.  I’m looking forward to decking you.”

[M2] 

            He ignored her.  “The only person I’ve had respond faster is Cliff.”  HeJohn wiped his hands on a towel.

 

            “Wonderful.  He seems to beat“Yeah, he beats me in everything. No, wait. There is one thing. I probably have more hair on my chest.”

John laughed, and Vickie left for the sauna.  It was a relaxing treat after a hard work‑out, and Vickie had come to rely on the few moments she had to herself before going back to the office.  Although it was winding down.  By next week, not only would she see real results in her workout, but in the project as well. Her part, at least, would be done.  Then she would send a copy of the system to Cliff, along with

A week later, Vickie was finally packing the HCC300 prototype, all its software loaded up, for beta testing in Middle Yemen. The chip factory there should bewas almost done, and ready for. When everything was set, the HCC300 would go into mass production of the HCC300.  The computers would then be shipped back here for software bundling and sales.

Vickie hated her own part in it, but at least she wasn’t involved in hadn’t worked on Fahrrad’s national defense net.  Cliff had taken the reins on that when he got to Middle YemenThat was all Cliff.

 

            All communications were handled through John.  She hadn’t talked to Cliff, nor had he asked for her.  Although she knew he was aware she hadn’t left.  She saw many hardware and defense net requisitions and specifications coming through the office, but nothing on the HCC300 general software or development.  She didn’t think he’d just forgotten it.  John must have told Yet she could only seem to remember him she was still there.

            In a way, that was more painful than if he had yanked the project away from her.  He still trusted her with his company, his people.  Or he didn’t care.  Or he was so certain of his charisma, he knew she would do her best job.  Why was it so easy to find less flattering reasons?  And why did the most hopeful reason occur to her first?

 

            She avoided her thoughts most of the time, but on some days, she couldn’t help it.  Like today, when the HCC300 prototype and all its software loaded up was packaged and ready for shipping to Middle Yemen.  No matter how often she flogged herself with her own gullibility, with Ron, with Fahrrad, Cliff rose in her memory the way he had been at the park, and the zoo. Just a little boy, who had found a friend at last.[M3] 

Vickie sighed. If she kept this up, she wouldshe’d not only be here when he came back, but she wouldshe’d be apologizing to him. She had finished all but some very small details, which Tess and John had promised they’d take care of. Tess, of course, was staying. Vickie was packing up this weekend. She didn’t have to be back at workFitzwater until Wednesday, but she was planning on taking a few days off when she got home to relax.  ‘Two days ‘til Saturday,’ she thought.  ‘Then. I’ll pack up and go home, and Sir Humphrey Hawkesclyffe in all his radiant glory will fade from my mind like a bad dream. Sure he will.’would.

 She okayed the shipment and watched as the special couriers carefully lifted the large freight box and carried it away. She turned from them before they could see her eyes glistening. Even if she managed to rout Cliff from her mind, every day she wouldshe’d still see reminders of him.  every day. The company appeared daily in the stock columnmarket columns of the news, the man himself was often quoted in the trades. With the arrival of the new computer and DALE chip on the market, she was sure, the exposure would only increase. Maybe she should find a new profession. Like stunt pilot.  Or maybe the armedArmed forces. ? She laughed ruefully. The way John had trained her, they’d snap her right up.

She’d been standing there too long. Some of the employees walking past were staring at her strangely. Well, she felt like a stranger now, too. She shook her head, remembering it was less than three months ago, her first month here, when she felt like she was home at last. Ironic.

Vickie walked slowly to the gym for a workout. There was really nothing much more for her to do. She avoided John and Tess, feeling like a wet blanket around them. She couldn’t even face a sundae any more. After she worked out, she returned to her office and buried herself in detail. She worked until 9:00, went home, slept poorly, and did it all over again the next day.

Finally it was Friday. She said good‑bye to all her people, then all of his. Tess and John were cleaning up some detail off‑siteoffsite, so she was spared the hardest good byes of all.  And she wouldBesides, she’d see John and Tess off and on, after all.  Butthem around—though it would never be the same.

She dragged herself home.  ‘No, my…no, to her apartment, she corrected herself.  My. Her flat iswas her home.’   She started packing, but found herself too tired. As she got ready for bed, an abbreviated version of her normal routine, she promised herself she would get up early tomorrow to do it. Tomorrow she would pack. Tomorrow she would go home. Good‑bye, Tess. Good‑bye, John. Good‑bye, Cliff.

 

‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑‑

 

            * * * * *

The man at the desk waited tensely. If the phone did not ring today, he would have to call some of his most highly‑placed contacts.

It just wasn’t usualwas highly unusual not to hear at least something. The man knew the other’s disposition had been sour when he hadhe’d gone, but now he wondered just how muchsour.

At eleven p.m.., worried, he packed his things up to go home.  He was very worried.  He hesitated, just a little while longer. Maybe the phone would still ring.

It did. The man grabbed it immediately.

“Where the hell have you been?  What isWhat’s going on over there?”

There was static from the line. Then the other man’s voice came, flat and weary. “The old system is gone. I had to install the new one.”

The man’s tirade died immediately. “Then it’s hopeless. Why did you do that?”

“He was paranoid enough to pick. He picked up some traces fromof  my hacking with the old system. . But there’s still a chance.”

“How?”

“I only connected the local system. And I know how to break it.”

The man was even more concerned. “You said you’d get out as soon as everything was ready.”

Crackling obscured part of the reply. “…finish this myself.” Then the line went dead.

 

            Oh, God.  I hopeThe man stared at the handset. He hoped it isn’twasn’t as bad as I think it ishe thought.

 

---

 [M1]The idea of the humor was here but it didn't click. I took most of it out.

 [M2]I left the first training session in but the rest made it into a fitness book. Research and knowledge are good, but it's a novel. The emphasis is on character, motivation and conflict, not their workout routine.

 [M3]This is a great example of how event hopping can get confusing. She's reflecting on two weeks from now, then two weeks ago, then she IS two weeks from now...I cleaned out considerable clutter. Which will make it easier to see dust and damage in the next edit pass.

Crush--Guest Barb Meyers!

Here's the smokin' excerpt Barb sent along for your reading pleasure!

From Barb Meyers's The First Time Again
There’s no defense when love blindsides your heart. 
The Braddock Brotherhood, Book 3 

There was enough light from the half-open door to see what he was doing. His hands shook. He stared at them for a second in amazement. He got the condom on in record time anyway and got back to business.

He ran the flat of his hand down her tummy from beneath her breasts to her pubic hair. He kissed her above the navel.

“You’re hot,” he whispered. Her skin felt like a fire burned beneath the surface.

“I want you.”

Trey froze, his hand stilled where it was, splayed against her. He could see the depths of her amber eyes. She’d said the words clearly, directly.

That was new too. Blatant honesty turned out to be another turn-on for him.

He kissed her again. Slow and hot. It was a wonder the bed didn’t burst into flames, he thought wildly. He pressed as much of her as he could as close to him as it could get until he couldn’t stand it anymore.

“You’ll have to get on top, darlin’.”

“Mmm?”

“Come here.”

He rolled to his back, taking her with him. It took her a second before she acted on his direction.

He watched, fascinated, as she braced herself above him and ever so slowly sank down against him, taking him inside her bit by agonizing bit. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he let it out when he was completely, deeply inside her. She’d sunk her top teeth into her bottom lip while she’d lowered herself onto him. But once it was done, he could feel her relax a bit, although she was sheathed around him so tightly he wondered how long he could last.

She gave him the most beatific smile he’d ever seen, like she’d accomplished something magnificent and she was immensely proud of herself.

“Wow.” Whatever was happening, he got the idea it was more about her. What she needed. Or, as she’d said a minute ago, what she wanted.

“What do you want, darlin’?” he asked, his gaze never leaving hers. He stroked her thighs, her tummy, her breasts.

“You. I just want you.”

“You’ve got me, babe. Now what are you going to do with me?”

That brought a choking giggle out of her. “To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea.”
He grinned at her. “I’ve got a couple. Want to hear them?”

The First Time Again now available at Amazon, BN, Samhain

The First Time Again
There’s no defense when love blindsides your heart. 
The Braddock Brotherhood, Book 3 

Once Trey Christopher was the small-town golden boy. Now he’s just another burned-out, washed-up ex-quarterback with a bum knee, a tarnished reputation, and a simple wish. To be the kind of man he can face in the mirror.

Moving back home is a start, as is hiring a down-on-her-luck local woman to help him out around his grandparents’ old homestead.

The last thing Baylee Westring wants is to clean house for a high school crush who barely remembers her name, but Trey’s money will finally top off her get-out-of-Henderson-forever escape fund.

Before she hits the road, though, Baylee’s got something for the man she still finds wildly attractive: the virginity he almost—but not quite—took during a drunken teenage party.

Neither is prepared for the emotional impact of that encounter. But just when Baylee dares to believe in happy ever after, an old enemy turns up to even the score. And Trey finds his heart left in the red zone, with his last chance for love ticking down to zero.

Warning: Contains an overeducated housekeeper who’s open to receiving a pass or two, and an ex-football player who can’t seem to stop himself from showing her all his moves.

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