Friday, June 14, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 186-190 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved


He frowned. “Vickie, I feel like I’m arguing against the unknown. a black box. What’s really bothering you?”


            “I’m telling you, you moron!  [M1] I would“I’d never have worked on this project if I had known it was going to benefit Fahrrad.  I wouldThe bastard kidnapped me, remember? I’d never have helped you if [M2] I had known you were going to stab Kulinahr in the back and cut off his feet at the ankles.”  ‘I would neverNever have made love with youto Cliff, no, gone to bed with youhim if I hadshe’d known you wereit was going to hurt me.’  Vickie pounded on the desk.this much.

She pounded on the desk as if that could equalize the pain. “I have some professional pride, you know, and a hell of a lot more professional responsibility than you do.  Just because . You may think you’re sotoo powerful, you think  to fail, that you can back whoever you want, that you don’t have any responsibility.  Well you may not, but I do. don’t. I am not going to Middle Yemen.”


“No,” she!” She screamed.  it. “You’re not leaving me again.”  She grabbed her purseBefore he could open the door she ran between and pushed furiously against his broad chest.  HeShe barely moved him but he backed off, but under his own power.[M4] 

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. I told you. When I first told you I wouldn’t work on a project for Fahrrad, and you didn’t care, you didn’t care what he’d done to me, you only cared about your profit margin. So you left, and had your secretary lie to me. Rather than talk it over, rather than honoring my feelings, [M5] you left.” Her voice faltered. “Just like Ron.” And then a whisper. “I told you.”

His fingers slid under her chin but she jerked away.  “No,“Don’t you can’t get me that way again.  I know better nowdare, Mr. Hawkesclyffe.  IfDon’t you can’t dare short circuit my reason with her, talk to her body.” seduction.” Her voice became strident; she couldn’t help it.

 

            He shook his head slowly.  His face had become very pale. paled. “No, Vickie, never that.”

 

            “No? “Never? Then what about ourwas the picnic, when sex was more important than `arguing?’  What about working together, when the‘arguing’? Can you honestly tell me you don’t want me to put up and shut up and fly out to Middle Yemen like a good little employee? The professional facade wasis always more important than any personal feelings, isn’t it?”

“Did Ron treat you that way?” he asked hesitantly.

She forced a laugh.  “Naturally.  I should have known nobody would want me for me.  Why would anyone actually care about me when they could have my mind and call it professional and have my body and call it love.” [M6] “What do you think?” She shrugged. “Go to Middle Yemen, then. . But this time I’m leaving too. If you don’t have to be responsible, neither do I.”

He held his hands out in a pleading gesture. “Be responsible for what?”

She answered as if she hadn’t heardshook her head. “Don’t worry about firing me. I quit.”


Her eyes werebody went cold.  “You want me to believe that, too?  Hey, Ron told me he loved me every. Every day. He sent me a dozen roses for every birthday and every Valentine’s Day.  It’s the easy way out, Cliff, just like running out.  Only this time, I’m leaving youUntil I didn’t do what he wanted. What he really loved was his image of me, not me. Goodbye.”

She tookgot her purse and strode out, dignity carrying her as far as her car.  She unlockedOnce inside with the door, got in, and  locked, she collapsed, crying.  He wasn’t coming.  She had been right,She’d really thought that Cliff was different. Not that they’d agree about everything but that he hadn’t meant it, he didn’t wantwould listen to her, and they’d work things out, he.


No, time to go. She turned the key and started out.

She didn’t care about her.

 

            Then she sawsee him burst from the office at a dead run.  Panicking, she turned the key, dropped the car into gear and pulled out almost before the engine had caught.  She didn’t even look into the rearview.[M8] 

She got back to her apartment, exhausted. She cried a little, but nothing felt right. She made herself a cup of tea, and when the phone rang, she jumped a mile.  It was just a phonePhone marketer. She hung up on him.

What was wrong?  It couldn’t be how she had handled Cliff.  with her? She should be exultant over that. . At last, she had seen through a man before he could hurt her too much, before he hurt her irreparably. . She had even walked out on him for a change.  No, that couldn’tShe should be it. triumphant.

 

            ‘Well, of course.  My career.  I’veAlthough…she’d never walked out on a job before.  IOnce she committed, she saw it through no matter.

Yes, that was it. Simple need to finish what I set out to do.’

 

            she started. Relief filled her.   She would

Followed immediately by dismay. She’d have to go back.

She wouldn’t go to Middle Yemen, of course, but she would finish her task at Hawkesclyffe Computers. She picked up thegot her phone and dialed. The operator answered.called John. It went to voicemail.

 

            “I’d like to speak to Mr. Hawkesclyffe, please.”  Vickie twirled the cord around her finger.

 

            “I’m sorry, “This is John Cavanaugh, Mr. Hawkesclyffe’s PA. I’m away from my desk, but…”

Shock made Vickie press end call. Cliff is out of town on business.  Can I connect you to his personal assistant?”

 

            “No, that’s okay.”  Vickie hung up in a hurry.  Gone already?  And tookhad taken her at her word. John was no longer her secretary.  Ouch.

Still, she needed to get this over with. She picked up the phone again, reluctantly redialing.

 

            The operator immediately connected her to John.  “Hi, John, it’s Cavanaugh.”[M9] 

She was startled, but automatically said, “It’s Vickie.”

“Vickie, glad to hear from you.” His voice was a bit strained.

“Look, I don’t want to go into detail. Is Cliff theregone yet?”

“I’m sorry, Vickie, heyes. He left me a few instructions and slammed out of here. He’s half‑wayhalfway to Middle Yemen if he’s still going at the same rate.  And,” he.” He hesitated, “he. “He said something about you quitting?”quit.”

“Yeah, well, I said it’s a long story. But I’m not quitting.  I don’t quit a job before it’s finished.”

 

            John sighed with relief.  “Boy, amA sigh. “Am I glad to hear that. Without Cliff, I’m glad someone knowledgeable is in charge.”

 

            “I’ll be back tomorrow.  I figure it’ll take another two weeks or so to clear“Only for as long as it takes to finish the bank security things up.  Soundjob,” she cautioned. “Another two weeks or so sound right?”

“Sure. You’re in charge.”

Right. I’m in charge. She hung up the phone after saying good bye to John.  `goodbye to John. If she really were in charge, the next press release would read “The Hawkesclyffe Computer Company announced in a surprise move today that they will no longer be doing business in Middle Yemen. Would the president of the firm please return at once to the United States.’  Sure she was in charge..”

Sure, she was in charge.

 


Chapter 12Twelve

 

            Vickie felt as though someone very close had died.  Even though she knew Cliff was in Middle Yemen, would be returning, would be just the same, she walked around in a daze, carrying a void that had just begun to be filled by him.  Now there was no hope of filling that great, aching loneliness.

 

            She informed JohnVickie went back to work but even countless last minute SNAFUs—which extended her two week estimation into three, then four—couldn’t pull her out of her cold daze. Cliff had gone. Though she didn’t want to, she missed him desperately.

Almost as if she hadn’t walked away soon enough.

Or maybe it was simply because she hadn’t cut ties completely. She’d come back to do the job to his company. He was everywhere, from the company pictures on the walls to the ghost of her intentions first thing that him at the half-dozen restaurants she frequented for lunch.

So obviously, she needed to make a clean break.

Monday. “ she marched into John’s office. “We deliver the HCC300 in two weeks. I’m leaving once the HCC300 is delivered, John.”  immediately after that.”

It was supposed to be a catharsis; instead it felt flat.

“But Cliff is expecting to talk with you when he gets back.  He’s very impressed with your work here, and I know he’d like you to stay.”

 

            “I wouldn’t like it.”

 

            “He “Not happening.”

John’s expression conveyed his sympathy. “He had to go, Vickie.”

 

            She was too depressed to be irritated by his deliberately calming tone.  He “I know he thought he did.”

“Look, I understand what you’re thinking.” , really I do.” He spread his hands in a gesture of appeal. “But there are some other thingsfactors you should know about.”[M10] 

“Like how much profit he’ll make?” Vickie arched an eyebrow.

 


 [M1]Name calling doesn't work with these characters.
 [M2]I have to work against going from the starting argument to the conclusion without putting the steps in between. Cause, then effect. So important.
 [M3]I also continue to expand my repertoire of ways to show what a character is feeling, rather than coming right out and saying it.
 [M4]This didn't flow, timing-wise
 [M5]I know what she means, but there's a backload of issues on that one statement. I think it's easier to follow this way. Besides, in a real argument between adults, it's best to say "when you do [specific thing], I feel [sad/mad/glad/afraid/hurt]." When I write, I try not to have the characters too unhealthy.
 [M6]yikes. Is it me, or is this bloated prose?
 [M7]This needed more preparation.
 [M8]She wants him to work things out but when he runs after her to do so, she speeds away? While I sympathize with a character who has that much fear, that's not where Vickie is. She'd have worked it out and bang, that would have been end of story. Better to have her drive away without seeing him. That way the reader knows Cliff's the real deal, even if Vickie's not so sure yet.
 [M9]Ah, technology. Remember curly phone cords?
 [M10]Dunno if its me or getting up to early to edit, but this seemed to need a lot of work. Point of view shifted subtly between Vicky and John, and a lot of wordy exchanges saying what I meant but not really showing it.

Friday, June 7, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 181-185 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved

            She awoke the next morning, the The sun streaming [M1] through the window.  the next morning woke her. She blinked. This wasn’t her flat…? For a moment, she thought she was back in her flat, before the Hawkesclyffe job had startedThen she smelled his smell, opened her eyes, or she’d ever met Fahrrad.
Cliff’s scent, masculine and remembered.  Cliff was not in the bed, but the tangy, brought the present sharply into focus. A warm depression there letnext to her know he had stayedsaid they’d slept the night with her. here, together. She smiled to herself.  Okay, then,[M2] 
But where was he? She got up to find him, dislodging a whiff her own smell. Change of plans. Shower first, find Cliff after.
He stuck his head ininto the bathroom while she was taking a shower.  “As soon assoaping with some silky body wash. “When you’re done hereready, come on down to the kitchen for some breakfast.” He left a steaming cup of coffee next to the shower.
She brought the empty cup down with her a short while later. Cliff was setting out two bowls, spoons and some milk. He turned to smilesmiled at her. “I’m afraid this is Hannah’s day off. We’ll have to suffer with cold cereal.”
Vickie scanned the boxes in the cupboard. “Hey, look—Fruit Loops! My favorite!” She blushed. “Uh, I’ll bet you’re thinking I’m being a bit childish…”
Cliff brought the box down calmly. “Would I have gone out and bought some if I thought you were being childish?”
She stared at him with saucer eyes. “You knew?”
He shrugged, opened the box and poured cereal and milk for each of them and shrugged. . “I thought it might be advisable to have something around you might like…for breakfast.”
“Why, you, you overbearing, egotistical…”—”

            “You do like it, don’t you?  Or would“Would you rather have cold pizza and orange juice?”
Vickie sat down and shut up. Conceited man, she thought. Conceited, wonderful man.
“So,” Cliff said as he took the seat across from her, “I thought we could maybe go shopping today.”
Vickie munched Fruit Loops. “What about the project?”

            “C’mon Vickie[M4] , it’s“It’s Saturday. Let’s take the day off and just do something else. . Better yet, let’s take two days off.”
“Well, I have heard the zoo here is the best in the Mid‑ westMidwest.”

            ““It is. And there’s a theme park just an hour away. We could spend a day there.”
“That sounds like fun.”
“Fun—what a concept.”
“Now, Cliff, sarcasm doesn’t suit you.  I’d like to go to theHow about [M5] theme park today, and we can visit the zoo tomorrow.  Can? Oh…can we stop by my apartment and get a change of clothes? And maybe my car?”
The day at the theme park was lovely. For all his sophistication, Cliff was just like aapproached both rides and lines little boy at heart, wandering around the park with wide eyes, laughing in delight on the rides. . She was amused to watch him [M6] trywhen he tried every new food stand, and was touched when he gavewon her a plush teddy bear he’d won at the ring‑toss.
They spent the night at his house again. A wonderful night, filled with talk and love‑making—and a little sleep.
The next day they spent at the zoo. Vickie felt like they were a pair of children, holding hands, oohing at the lions and laughing at the monkeys. He bought her ice cream, and took her on the little train that ran through the zoo grounds.  She amazed him inIn the reptile house she amazed him with her extensive knowledge of snakes, acquired from many years living with a younger brother. On the way home, they stopped for pie and coffee, and talked about all sorts of things. It absolutely amazed her how much they had in common.
Too soon, however, it was Monday morning, and time to go back to work. Cliff had a breakfast meeting with a prospective employee, so Vickie arrived at the office alone.
Tess met her.  “Well,“Are you all packed, you lucky devil?”
“What are you talking about?” Vickie brushed outsat down at her red‑ gold [M7] hairdesk and put her purse in her deskaway.
“You and the boss and a sexy foreign location, that’s what I’m talking about. And don’t pretend you don’t know about it. It’s been in the schedule for a week.”
“I haven’t read the schedule for two weeks. I’ve been on ‘vacation.’” Vickie smiled. And what a vacation, Vickie thought with a smile. . “So no, I don’t know about it. What sexy foreign location are we headed to, Chicago?”
“No, you dip. dipwad. The Middle East! The Arabian Peninsula! The…”
“The hotbed of unrest! The…” Realization hit her. Middle Yemen!
“No, he can’t!”  She moaned, sank into her chair and .” With a moan, she covered her face with her hands.
Tess shook her shoulders. “Vickie, what’s wrong?  Are you okay?  What is it?”
Vickie simply shook her head with a terse motion. . Tess waited for a long moment, then. When Vickie continued to moan she left the office, shutting the door quietly behind her.

            HeCliff had lied to her.

            He had meantHe’d planned for the security system to go to Fahrrad all along. Profit meant more to him than anything, even personal integrity.
She tried to remember the little boy Cliff must have been, small, defenseless, misunderstood.
Or had he lied about that, too?

            They had spent Had the two week vacation been a lie too? The whole weekend spent together, and he hadwhen he’d talked with her, he had played with her, he had made love to her.

            Or was Was that more camouflage?

            This was the The man she wanted she’d thought to spend her entire life with.  Oh, was she thathe even real? She felt so stupid? . Just because they had made love, just because she wasmight in love didn’t mean he was going to be any different.
Vickie had thought she finally knew Cliff.  But, but she didn’t know him at all.  There was Even putting the best face on it, that some of what he’d told her was true, meant a part of him, the was a stranger. The part that negotiated with Fahrrad and ran away for two months without explanation and dealt with Kulinahr as a head of state rather than a person.

            ThereMaybe that was aonly part of Cliff, maybehim. But it was certainly a big part, that was a stranger to her.
As she waited for Cliff to arrive at the office, she gradually painted him deeper into the role of cunning seducer, conniving businessman. She had been right all along, it. It was only when he touched her body that her head had been outvoted. She should have paid attention to her head. She knew how bad office romances were. She should have listened.
The door flew open, startling her. Cliff strode in, smiling. She stood up and looked at him,drank in the sight of himand her head was fooled again. She mentally slapped herself with his damn self‑assurance triggering all the feelings of professional inadequacy and personal vulnerability, and she felt[M8] . He’d used.  her. She let him have itjumped to her feet.
“How could you even think I would go to Middle Yemen after what happened there? How dare you?”
He looked as though she had slammed her fist in his gut. The impostor, trying to play on her sympathies.
“We’ve been working on Fahrrad’s system all along, haven’t we? You dirty liar. You know what he’s planning, you. You know he’ll only use the money for upheaval and cruelty and suppression, but you don’t care, do you? All you can see is the profit, the bottom line. Well, here’s the bottom line from me, Mister. . Go. Get out! Good riddance!”.” She obstinately refused to acknowledge she was shooing him out of his own company.
He closed the door gently and stood in front of it. “Please don’t jump to conclusions just yet, Vickie. . I only finalized the deal two weeks ago. I would have told you sooner but you were on vacation, after all. . And the bank version is still viable…”—”

            “You had every intention of dealing with Fahrrad, then.  You lied to me.  No defense system, you said. You didn’t deliver that message in person either; you leave the love‑sicklovesick women to John.”
He moved closer, cautiously. “It’s not what you think.”
She retreated behind her desk, where she stood, trembling.  “What is it, then?  Oh, no, wait.  You expect me to trust you, right? ? Like I trusted you for the past three months? Like I trusted you this weekend?”
Like I trusted Ron?


 [M1]The sun streaming is a stronger noun/verb to start the scene than she awoke.
 [M2]I was taught that the paragraph leads to the statement with the most impact, that the important sentence is at the end. Well, yeah but. Many people sample the beginning of a parargraph but if it doesn't grab them, will skip it. If you put important information at the end, MANY PEOPLE WILL MISS IT.
 [M3]Dialog should sound natural but convey deeper meaning that real chatter would.
 [M4]I did an awful lot of c'mon Vickies. Dunno why.
 [M5]Here is where I changed dialog from natural chatter to natural-sounding but sharper.
 [M6]watch is a filter word. Much better to catapult right to her being amused.
 [M7]Eek. No reason for her to notice her red-gold hair.
 [M8]Felt. Filter word. Jump right to what she's feeling. The reader will get that she's the one feeling it, and that she's feeling used, not seeing or hearing it.