Friday, November 30, 2012

Hot Chips and Sand 46-50 Second Draft Comparison


Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2012 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved


He reached her and the blue of his eyes blazed. She squirmed in her chair. He smiled slightly and went on. “You are all familiar with digital technology, where the smallest piece of information can be, like a light switch, either on or off. You are also familiar with analog technology, where there is a smooth range of values, like a light dimmer or volume control. The HCC300 Digital‑Analog Logic Encoding chip combines both of these technologies in a single chip;. Thus it thus has the capabilities of both, and also the added capabilities of the combination of the two.”
This was all hardware, and Vickie’s company was a software consulting house. Time to nip this in the bud if she could. She cleared her throat. “Could you please explain how we at Fitzwater Software fit in?”
Cliff nodded. “The computers that we build on the DALE chip need programming smart enough to bring out the chip’s capabilities. I’m here to select an innovative software team to design and implement the code which will make this chip run rings around the competition.”  He spread his fine hands out, encompassing to the group at the table. “I need a driving, creative force, people who aren’t afraid to take chances, make changes or strike out into completely uncharted territory.”
Heads nodded, there were murmurs of agreement around the table, and even a few shining faces. Pretty soon and they’d be eating out of his hand. Vickie cleared her throat again.
“But I thought the Hawkesclyffe Computer Company already employed the best machine and assembly language people in the world.”
“Don’t be stupid, Vickie.” Mel smiled snidely.
Probably scenting a corporate kill. Rule Number One,: never tell a client he doesn’t need you.
Mel went on, “Of course Sir Humphrey employs the best. Which is why he wants us.”
Vickie felt herself growing hot between the intensity of Cliff’s scrutiny and the sly grin on Mel’s face.
“Ms. Johnston,” Cliff said. “While my own people will handle the interface between the brain and the heart of the machine, I want you to write the interface between the machine and the brain and heart of the people who will use it.”
“Just relax, Vickie. Sir Humphrey has everything under control.” Mel’s voice always grated on Vickie, but today it was like a buzz saw. Under his breath he said, “You should stop causing trouble, sweetheart. You’re way out of your league.”
Damn it, Cliff was not out of her league and she was not just causing trouble. She simply never said “yessir” when something didn’t make sense. Out loud, she said, “I still don’t understand. We’re to do the applications programs? Why can’t Hawkesclyffe Computer people do those, too?”
Mel jumped in gleefully. “Because Sir Humphrey has chosen our company, Vickie. The rest of us are honored that Sir Humphrey placed his confidence in us.”  He smiled sickeningly at Cliff. “We will do our very best to deserve that confidence, sir.”
Gag me with a thumb drive. Mel was such a corporate weenie. “But—”
“We will discuss this later, Ms. Johnston.” Cliff’s eyes were blue agates.
Vickie drew herself up in outrage. Next to her, Mel shot her a triumphant smile. That burned worse.
Cliff took tight rein on the meeting and completely overrode any further comments. He discussed the advantages of the new chip, then pivoted the topic back toward the software. “Since the people who will use this computer will be the best in their fields, the software itself must be the best. The end user is the end reason for our existence.” He paused for emphasis.
He paused for emphasis.[MH1] Vickie saw the opportunity and went for it. Did he think she could be shut up like a child? “Well, Sir Humphrey, if you want the best, you will obviously be going with Tess, our top designer, and Phil, our senior project leader, and the alpha programming team.”
“Obviously.” His reply threw her off.
Had he suddenly be comebecome agreeable?
“And you, Victoria Lynn Johnston, will be in charge of the entire project, both my people and yours.”
Vickie stared at him. She’d heard the words but they made no sense. Her, in total charge? Sure, she’d managed projects in her time, but nothing close to the million dollar program this one must be.
He must be insulting her to get even with her interrupting. She answered in kind. “Oh, yeah? I’m doing all the work? And what will you be doing?”
“I’ll be managing you. I think that’s work enough.”
She stood. “This joke has gone on just a little too far—”
“Yes, Mr. Hawkesclyffe.” Fitzwater, with a flourish, brought out pages of a contract. “Exactly the personnel you ordered—er, ah—requested. Two project leaders, three designers, five senior programmers, ten application programmers, and one top level management—ah, that’s you, Vickie.” He smiled a little weakly at her, which she acidly attributed to the doubled salary he was shelling out.
And then it sank in; her. Her knees folded and she sat abruptly. She stared open mouthed at Cliff. He really meant it. But it made no sense.
Around her people were talking and shaking hands. Mel took the opportunity to smirk triumphantly at her.[MH2]  No one saw the total illogic of what Cliff was doing.
As the meeting broke up, she tried talking to her boss Phil about it. “You do realize this means you’ll be working for me, instead of the other way around.”
“Yep,” Phil said calmly. “Hawkesclyffe wants it that way, and he’s been right too many times for me to complain. Look at how the HCC200 chip made tablets a grocery store item. Double the speed and half the price of anything out there.”
Vickie grimaced as Phil turned to speak with a developer. Could he not see how weird this was?
“Congratulations, Vickie.” Her friend Tess stopped on the way out. “It’s about time you got a good assignment.”
“I don’t know how ‘good’ it is. I’ll be responsible for twenty of our people and an unknown number of Hawkesclyffe’s. Please tell me that at least you’ll be there.”
“Yes. But you’ll be working with Mr. Magnificent, not poor little me.” Her eyes lingered on Cliff, who was arguing over several pages of contract with a slightly green Fitzwater.
Not her, too. “Stop drooling justfor one second and see this objectively please? He controlled every aspect of that meeting with either honey or a big stick. And look at him haggle with Fitzwater. I don’t think Hawkesclyffe is the easiest man to work with.”
“No, he looks pretty hard to me.” Tess’s eyebrows rose suggestively.
Arrgh. Stop that.” Vickie said it both to Tess and her rapidly rising pulse. “Tess, this doesn’t make sense. I’ve never managed a team of more than six people. The biggest budget I’ve had to work with is a hundred K. You can’t tell me that this is the same, just bigger. Complexity explodes with the size. A small system, a small problem, a midsize system, a big problem, a big system, fecking impossible. Forget it. I can’t do this, and I’m going to tell Mr. Know‑it‑all over there, just see if I don’t!” She stomped her way to Cliff’s side.
Tess looked mildly at Phil. “Well, she’s talked herself into her own mediocrity again.”
She shot Tess a glare. Mouthed I can hear you.
Tess just gave her a big grin and a thumbs up.
Phil smiled. “I don’t think Sir Humphrey’s going to let her get away with it, though.”
“You think he can get it through her thick skull that she can’t ignore her own talents?”
Can. Hear. You. Even the hairy eyeball didn’t have an effect. Friends were such a pain.
“If anyone can.”  Phil chuckled. “If anyone can.”
Vickie turned pointedly back to where Cliff and Jerry were still hashing out minutia of the contract. It seemed to her Cliff was deliberately ignoring her, his attention completely on Fitzwater, speaking reasonably but firmly, as if to a recalcitrant child.
“I’m sorry, Jerry, but I really must have two Q.A. people for this project.”
George Woo, out of Customer Service, wandered over just then. “Q.A.?” he asked Vickie.
“Quality Assurance,” she snapped back.
George, who was unaccustomed to anything but cheerful politeness from Vickie stepped back to where Mel, scenting corporate blood, came up.
“That’s a good point, though,” said Vickie, seeing her opportunity to get Cliff’s attention. “You should have at least two Q.A. You can substitute my position.”
“Ms. Johnston.” Cliff spoke mildly but his eyes were gleaming in a way that unnerved her. “I said we would discuss this later. We will discuss this later.”
In spite of those searing blue eyes she opened her mouth to argue.
“Not now, Vickie,” Jerry said. Since he was the one who signed her paychecks, her mouth slowly closed. Stupid clients.






 [MH1]Oops. Everything belonging to the speaker goes in one paragraph. He paused goes with Cliff's paragraph, not Vickie's.


 [MH2]Eliza asked what Mel was doing, and she was absolutely right. There are places where certain characters, based on their individual motivation, will intrude on the scene. I have recently learned to try to imagine a scene from all the POVs of all the characters in it, not just the main character. Then you know if you should add something like this.

Hot Chips and Sand 46-50 First Draft Comparison


Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2012 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved


He reached her and the blue of his eyes blazed. She squirmed in her chair. He smiled slightly and went on. “You are all familiar with digital technology, where the smallest piece of information can be, like a light switch, either on or off; yes or no. You are also familiar with analog technology, where there is a smooth range of values, like a light dimmer, perhaps, or a volume control. The HCC300 Digital‑Analog Logic Encoding chip combines both of these technologies in a single chip; it thus has the capabilities of both, and also the added capabilities of the combination of the two.”
This was all hardware, and Vickie’s company was a software consulting house. Time to nip this in the bud if she could. She cleared her throat. “Could you please explain how we at Fitzwater Software fit in?”
Cliff turned and faced her.nodded. “The computers that we build on the DALE chip, and the system we base on that chip needs need programming smart enough to bring out itsthe chip’s capabilities. I’m here to select an innovative software team to design and implement the code which will make this chip run rings around the competition.”  He spread his armsfine hands out, encompassing to the group at the table. “I need a driving, creative force for this, not, people who aren’t afraid to take chances, make changes or strike out into completely uncharted territory.”
            Vickie reclaimed his attention. “Heads nodded, there were murmurs of agreement around the table, and even a few shining faces. Pretty soon and they’d be eating out of his hand. Vickie cleared her throat again. “But I thought the Hawkesclyffe Computer Company already employed the best machine and assembly language people in the world.”
“Don’t be stupid, Vickie.” Mel smiled snidely,.
Probably scenting a corporate kill. Rule Number One, never tell a client he doesn’t need you. “Don’t be stupid, Vickie.
Mel went on, “Of course Sir Humphrey employs the best. Which is why he wants us.”
Vickie felt herself growing hot between the intensity of Cliff’s scrutiny and the sly grin on Mel’s face. “Then why does he need us?”
“Ms. Johnston,” Cliff still spoke directly to her. “Mysaid. “While my own people will handle the interface between the brain and the heart of the machine., I want you to write the interface between the machine and the brain and heart of the people who will use it.”
“Just relax, Vickie. Sir Humphrey has everything under control.” Mel’s voice always grated on Vickie, but today it sounded particularly whiney.was like a buzz saw. Under his breath he said, “You should stop causing trouble, little girlsweetheart. You’re way out of your league.”
Damn it, Cliff was not out of her league and she was not just causing trouble. But sheShe simply never said ‘yessir’“yessir” when something didn’t make sense. Out loud, she replied, “I’m sure he does, Mel, but said, “I still don’t understand. We’re to do the applications programs? Why can’t Hawkesclyffe Computer people do those, too?”
Mel answered before Cliff could even open his mouth. “jumped in gleefully. [MH1] “Because Sir Humphrey has chosen our company, Vickie, why don’t you leave well enough alone?. The rest of us are honored that Sir Humphrey has chosen our company in which to placeplaced his confidence.” in us.”  He smiled deprecatinglysickeningly at Cliff. “And weWe will do our very best to deserve that confidence, sir.”
            Vickie felt like gagging.Gag me with a thumb drive. Mel was such a corporate weenie. “But…”—”
“We will discuss this later, Ms. Johnston.” Cliff’s eyes were hard and cold.blue agates.
Vickie was outrageddrew herself up in outrage. Next to her, Mel chuckled. She flashed him an angry glance but he only cockedshot her a triumphant smile at her. Wonderful. Mel and Cliff, buddies forever. Another strike against the truck. That burned worse.
Cliff took tight rein on the meeting and completely overrode any further comments Vickie had. He discussed the advantages of the new chip for another quarter hour or so, then pivoted the topic back toward the software. “Since the people who will use this computer will be the best in their fields, the software itself must be the best. Because theThe end user is the end reason for our existence.”
            He paused for emphasis. Vickie saw the opportunity and went for it. Did he think she could be shut up like a child? “Well, Sir Humphrey, if you want the best, you will obviously be going with Tess, our top designer, and Phil, our most senior project leader, and the alpha‑level programming team.”
“Obviously.” His reply threw her off.
Had he suddenly be come agreeable?
            He had not. “And you, Victoria Lynn Johnston, will be in charge of the entire project, both my people and yours.”
            Oh, come on. Now he just wanted to get even, to insult her. Vickie knew he didn’t mean it. She hadstared at him. She’d heard the words but they made no sense. Her, in total charge? Sure, she’d managed projects in her time, but nothing close to the million dollar program this one must be.
            She He must be insulting her to get even with her interrupting. She answered in kind. “Oh, yeah? I’m doing all the work? And what will you be doing?”
            “I will“I’ll be in charge ofmanaging you. I think that’s work enough.”
“Yes, Mr. Hawkesclyffe.” Fitzwater, with his usual over‑ donea flourish, brought out thepages of contract.
            “Yes, indeed, Mr. Hawkesclyffe.  “Exactly the personnel you ordered—er, ah—requested. Two project leaders, three designers, five senior programmers, ten application programmers, and one top level management—ah, that’s you, Vickie,” he finished, smiling.” He smiled a little weakly at her, which she acidly attributed to the doubled salary.  he was shelling out.
            SuddenlyAnd then it sunksank in. Flabbergasted, Vickie; her knees folded and she sat abruptly. She stared open mouthed at Cliff. He really meant it. But it made no sense.

            She fumed silently through the rest of the meeting. Several commentsAround her people were made concerning the staffing, but it seemed to Vickie that notalking and shaking hands. No one saw the total illogic of what heCliff was doing.
            AfterAs the meeting broke up, she tried talking to her boss Phil about it. “You do realize this means you’ll be working for me, instead of the other way around.”
            “Sure,”“Yep,” Phil said Phil calmly. “HeHawkesclyffe wants it that way. And he has, and he’s been right too many times for me to complain. Look at the wayhow the HCC200 chip brought down the market for PCs. I don’t think you’ll findmade tablets a dual-core machine anywhere any more after that little powerhouse came in at doublegrocery store item. Double the speed and half the price of anything out there.”
Vickie grimaced. Obviously she was not going to get any help from this quarter. She as Phil turned to speak with a developer. Could he not see how weird this was?
“Congratulations, Vickie.” Her friend Tess. “Well, at least  stopped on the way out. “It’s about time you got a good assignment.”
“I don’t know how ‘good’ it is. I’ll be responsible for twenty of our working together is going to be normal. Analyst and designer, soup and sandwich, horse and carriage…”people and an unknown number of Hawkesclyffe’s. Please tell me that at least you’ll be there.”
            “Cut it out Vickie. You’ll“Yes. But you’ll be working with Mr. Magnificent over there, not poor little me.” She looked lingeringly atHer eyes lingered on Cliff, who was arguing over several pages of contract with a slightly green Fitzwater.
            “Not youher, too. Look, can you stop “Stop drooling just one second and see this objectively? He is not  please? He controlled every aspect of that meeting with either honey or a big stick. And look at him haggle with Fitzwater. I don’t think Hawkesclyffe is the easiest man to work with[MH3] .”
“No, he looks pretty hard to me.” Tess’s eyebrows rose suggestively.
            “Arrgh. Stop that.” SheVickie said it both to Tess and her rapidly rising pulse. “I mean it. ThisTess, this doesn’t make any sense. What do I have that makes me the person to be in charge of this project?sense. I’ve never managed a team of more than six people. The biggest budget I’ve had to work with is $100,000.
            “a hundred K. You can’t tell me that this the same, just bigger. I’ve worked with too many systems where the complexity varies exponentiallyComplexity explodes with the size. A small system, a small problem. A middle size, a midsize system, a largebig problem. A large, a big system, fecking impossible. Forget it. I can’t do this. And, and I’m going to tell Mr. Know‑it‑all over there, just see if I don’t!” She stomped her way to Cliff’s side.
Tess looked mildly at Phil. “Well, she’s talked herself into her own mediocrity again.”
            “Ummm.” She shot Tess a glare. Mouthed I can hear you.
Tess just gave her a big grin and a thumbs up.
Phil methodically began gathering up Vickie’s papers from the conference table.smiled. “I don’t think Sir Humphrey’s going to let her get away with it, though.”
“You think he can get it through her thick skull that she can’t ignore her own talents?”
Can. Hear. You. Even the hairy eyeball didn’t have an effect. Friends were such a pain.
“If anyone can. I saw them talking together.” He.”  Phil chuckled. “If anyone can.”
Vickie, in the meantime, stood fuming while  turned pointedly back to where Cliff and Jerry hashedwere still hashing out the detailsminutia of the contract. It seemed to her Cliff was deliberately ignoring her. His, his attention was completely on Fitzwater, speaking reasonably but firmly, as if to a recalcitrant child.
“I’m sorry, Jerry, but I really must have two Q.A. people for this project.”
George Woo, out of Customer Service, wandered over just then. “Q.A.?” he asked Vickie.
“Quality Assurance,” she snapped back.
George, who was unaccustomed to anything but cheerful politeness from Vickie stepped back, to where Tess and Phil were just coming up, shadowed by Mel, who was smellingscenting corporate blood, came up.
            “C?” George whispered.
            “It’s a programming language, third generation,” Tess whispered back.
            “Of course,” replied“Ms. Johnston.” Cliff calmly, transferring his attention to her. “My people will write the compiler. ANSI standard, naturally.”
            “ANSI?” George moved nearer Tess. “American National Standards Institute,” she answered quietly.
            Vickie tilted her jaw up. “And you expect us to write a DB, too? I expect you’ll want SQL to access that.”
            “Data base,” Tess explained. “And it’s ‘sequel’—stands for Structured Query Language. It allows the average user to query—that’s ask questions—of a data base.”
            “Oh yes. I expect the computer systems arising from this chip will support LANs and WANs all around the globe.” Cliff shifted his weight,spoke mildly but his tone was still eminently reasonable. “We must, after all, have fluent portability.”
            “Local area networks and wide area networks,” Tess translated. “You see, when you tie a bunch of computers together, the connections are different depending on the distance…”
            Cliff’s voice cut through Tess’ explanation. “…expect to keep up with all peripheral enhancements, to keep our ROM, RAM and WORM OST devices with the highest I/O rate, the most BPI and BPS, the most GB per hard drive, the fastest CPU in the industry…”
            Tess’ eyes were gleaming. “Oh, now he’s into the guts of the computer. Read only memory, random access memory and write once read many are types of data storage. OST is optical scan ning technology. I/O is input/output, and refers to data coming in and going out. CPU is the central processing unit, of course, the brains of the box. BPI and BPS are about bits and GB is gigabyte, a little confusing since they’re both abbreviated ‘B’. Anyway, BPI is bits per…” in a way that unnerved her. “I said we would discuss this later. We will discuss this later.”
            Vickie’s voice rose with consternation. “…GIGO! If we’re going to be working on‑site at your offices, what kind of tools will we have? We have our own CAD and CASE packages here, written in‑house, and I think you’d better have some dam…darn good substitutes for us to do our best job…”
            “Garbage in, garbage out. She’s wondering if their computer aided design and computer assisted software engineering systems are as good as the ones we use now. Personally, I don’t blame her. I save a lot of time and frustration by having good tools.”
            “…no problem whatsoever. We have HCC200s on every desk in our MIS and engineering departments, all networked, running our proprietary CAD and CASE systems which are,” he raised his eyebrow slightly, “easily as good as yours. Further, we are industry leaders in our E‑mail package, which we use in‑house. And I wrote the project planner myself.”
            Vickie stood, fists balled, in front of the arrogant bastard. Who did he think he was to waltz in here and totally disrupt her company’s hierarchy, work flow and even physical facility? How dare he? Who did he think he was—a client?
            Jerry Fitzwater cleared his throat just then. Vickie threw him a disgusted look and stormed out before her anger could get the better of her. “SOPA,” she muttered as she left.
            George raised a questioning eyebrow at Tess. She shrugged. “I don’t know. It’s not computer lingo as far as I know.”
            “I can guess,” said Phil, mildly. “Stupid overbearing pompous ass.”
            Tess nodded. “Yep. Both of them[MH4] .In spite of those searing blue eyes she opened her mouth to argue.
“Not now, Vickie,” Jerry said. Since he was the one who signed her paychecks, her mouth slowly closed. Stupid clients.






 [MH1]Here's an example where a well-chosen verb equals a bunch of blah words.


 [MH2]I dialed this down. She has a temper but she's not an ass.


 [MH3]He's a romance hero and an alpha male, of course he's not easy going. But it still needs to be sketched in with an example or two, not just implied.


 [MH4]I really really REEELY liked this. But all the techie terms were an indulgence on my part. So it got cut.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Hot Chips and Sand 41-45 Second Draft Comparison


Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2012 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved


Two days later she paused outside the heavy oak door of the conference room. Time to meet Sir Silverhair. She pushed through, closed it and turned.
And had an attack of déjà vu the size of Mount McKinley. Or the size of the man opposite, the her. The man listening to Phil but whose blue eyes were cutting through the length of the entire room to stare at her. His eyes burned with the same fire as if she were wearing that same bit of lace as the last time they had met. When they’d kissed... Her cheeks heated.
He smiled slightly, and she knew he had seen her remember it, and her whole face went up in flames. Stupid redhead’s complexion.
She turned to the conference table, blindly putting her materials down on the glossy cherry surface, trying to collect herself. She thought she heard Phil move toward her, glanced up, grateful for the distraction, and stopped cold.
He certainly was not half-naked this time. Just about where Phil’s eyes would be, she met a subdued gray silk, a perfect foil for his pristine white shirt. His dark suit was obviously tailored, fitting his large frame perfectly. No padding; she remembered the breadth of those shoulders and power of that chest.
Steady down, girl. Vickie took a deep breath—and stopped mid‑inhale with a rattle. Naked, he smelled of skin and sweat and a hint of spice. Civilization did nothing to tame that, only adding a faint layer of expensive cologne and the rich smell of good cloth. Bottle it up and sell it as instant aphrodisiac.
He pulled out the chair next to hers. The sight of his well‑manicured nails and artistic fingers, slender but strong, startled her. Why hadn’t she noticed those hands before?
Dimly, she was aware of Phil introducing them.
 “Vickie Johnston, may I present the founder and CEO of the Hawkesclyffe Computer Company and inventor of the HCC300 chip, Sir Humphrey Hawkesclyffe.”
Her hand flew to her throat. This was Humphrey Hawkesclyffe? How could a Humphrey be a Cliff—? Hawkesclyffe…oh, no. Not Cliff., as in Clyffe.
“We’ve met,” he said dryly. “Ms. Johnston.” He held out his hand, the one she’d been staring at.
Automatically, she took it. Somewhere along the way she’d dismissed the impact of his body, his touch, as an overactive imagination, a tired woman, and a warm man. Now, fully rested, in the very unromantic setting of the conference room, his handshake sent tingles up her spine, warm, wonderful shivers down to her belly, and started her heart racing.
Which was totally unprofessional.
Shaking herself, she forced a reply. “It’s good to see you again, Mr. Hawkesclyffe, under improved circumstances.”
“It depends on your perspective, Ms. Johnston. I found our last encounter rather—stimulating.” His lips twitched.
“Stimulating?” Phil’s eyes gleamed. “How so?”
Why, the little hustler, she thought. He thinks he’s got a lever to make me take the account. “I’m sure Mr. Hawkesclyffe is exaggerating.” She smiled sweetly at the big man. “I was under the impression you found our meeting rather routine.”
“Please, Ms. Johnston. I told you last time we met—call me Cliff.”
Sweet circuits on a stick. Phil looked like a dog in a proctologist’s office. This would never do. “I’m sorry, Mr. Hawkesclyffe. You would have to call me Vickie before I could possibly—”
“Of course, Vickie. Does that stand for Victoria?”
How did this infuriating man stay one step ahead of her? She sat quickly. “Phil, don’t you want to take Mr. Hawkesclyffe—er, Cliff—to meet Jerry?”? He’s over there, near the podium and you can just catch him before the meeting.”[MH2] 
YourYou mean your president?” Cliff slid smoothly into the chair next to hers. “We’ve met.”
“They’ve met.” Phil nodded, smiled, nodded and walked away.
Vickie fumed. SomeoneThat did it. If she ever broke into the payroll system, someone was so getting a decimal point moved on his paycheck.
“Jerry Fitzwater is already aware of how I feel about you.”
Vickie’s attention swung back to Cliff. Even though he had delivered that searing kiss, he had otherwise treated her like a sack of potatoes. Could he feel anything like she felt? “Which is?”
“You are the person for the job. I will have no other.”
Naturally, the job. Vickie tried not to look disappointed. “What a fine compliment Mr.—ah—Cliff.” Well, what did she expect? Kulinahr had told her flatly that Cliff was a businessman.
Kulinahr. How sad and tired he’d looked at their last meeting. She had a sudden urge to take Cliff by the shoulders and give him a good shaking. If she could reach his shoulders. If she could shake a truck.
She scowled at him. “I don’t think our president is aware of how I feel about you.”
Cliff eyed the man they were discussing. “I’m afraid he is.”
Then he turned to her, and she received the full impact of his penetrating gaze and her blood heated faster than sugar in a microwave. She had to resist an urge to fan herself. Damn it, Sir Humphrey is after your brain, not your body. “Oh really?”
“Yes. Jerry said he’ll double your salary as a bonus if you take the job.”
She blinked at him. How had he managed that? Fitzwater had been known to cut his own kid’s allowance for not trimming the grass around the garden after mowing two acres of lawn, yet Cliff talked him into doubling her…double?
“I’ll add a hefty bonus upon completion of the project, if that’s not enough. And I’m a bit more generous than your president.” He smiled slightly.
Good Gates, what that smile did to her innards should have been illegal. It certainly was incendiary. She shifted in her chair to get her blouse to loosen up, swallowed a couple times, and said, “Why? I’m good, but for that kind of money, so are a lot of other people.”
“It takes some time to explain, and I’m afraid the meeting is about to begin. I would prefer to discuss this later—perhaps over dinner?”
“D…dinner?” An intimate dinner with the big hero might have been one of her fantasies in the last couple weeks. But no, she had to remember Kulinahr. That Cliff was a businessman, not a hero. “Thank you, but I—”
“Great. I’ll pick you up about six. We’ll go to Rusterman’s.”
“But—”
“Okay, let’s get started.” Jerry rapped on the podium at the end of the table. “Ladies and gentlemen, can everyone sit down so we can begin this meeting?”
A whump announced the chair on her other side being filled. A waft of cheap tobacco and sweat soured by a shirt on its second day announced who was filling it. Mel Pinlow. Naturally.
Mel thought he was brilliant. In reality his domain name [MH3] was Mel dot huh? Sitting between Mel and Cliff was like being between the sun and Neptune. Or the downgraded [MH4] Pluto.
Jerry Fitzwater rapped for attention. “Ladies and gentlemen. Today begins ana historic occasion, and an historic collaboration…”
Vickie tuned out Fitzwater’s droning. She could not, however, tune out the warm scent of the man next to her. How had he done it? How had he, against her wishes, cornered her into going out with him? She sighed. All right. Truthfully, it wasn’t against her wishes. But it was against her best interests. Getting involved with a man like Cliff, who could leave an impression on her after an instant that blotted out years of other men, but who would never consider her anything but good business…no, that was trouble she didn’t need.
A brilliant thought occurred to her. She’d just say no. Now, while he couldn’t argue without disrupting the meeting. She nerved herself to say no. Going to say no, going. Going to do it now…she. She turned toward him, to whisper her regrets.
And nearly fell into his empty chair as he rose to take the podium. Three strides accompanied by enthusiastic applause (most enthusiastic from Tess and Joy, Vickie noticed) [MH5] brought him to the head of the table, a position which seemed to be made just for him. He removed the podium and stood comfortably surveying the group. Then he spoke.
AnA historic occasion? Perhaps. With the speed that new information and knowledge is coming to us, I’ll settle for being on the cutting edge of technology. Or, as some prefer, the bleeding edge.”
He stopped and, one by one, met the eyes of each person around the table. His penetrating gaze seemed to assess everything: their reactions, their mood, even their expectations.
He reached her and the blue of his eyes blazed. She squirmed in her chair. He smiled slightly and went on.





 [MH1]It's implied that since Vickie didn't notice his accent when she first met him as Cliff, that he doesn't have a different one than hers. This states that assumption explicitly and raises the question of, if he's a Sir, he doesn't. It's not answered until later but at least it's on the table and doesn't look like an oversight or mistake.


 [MH2]To meet Jerry implies he's not there in the room with them.


 [MH3]To differentiate from a king's domain.


 [MH4]Eek. This is what can happen after a few decades go by.


 [MH5]As a trained programmer I use parens to group ideas. Editors do not like this. They are apparently jarring to non-programmer readers :)

Hot Chips and Sand 41-45 First Draft Comparison


Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2012 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved


            The answer came, twoTwo days later, when she walked throughpaused outside the heavy oak door of the conference room doors.. Time to meet Sir Silverhair. She pushed through, closed the doors,it and turned, and.
And had an attack of dejadéjà vu the size of Mount McKinley. Or the size of the man opposite, the man listening to Phil, but staringwhose blue eyes were cutting through the length of the entire room to stare at her. Staring at her,His eyes burned with the same fire as thoughif she were wearing that same bit of lace as the last time they had met. Then heHer cheeks heated[MH1] .
He smiled slightly, and she knew he had seen her remember it, and she flushed dark redher whole face went up in flames. Stupid redhead’s complexion.
She turned to the conference table, blindly putting her materials down on the glossy cherry surface, trying to collect herself. She thought she heard Phil move toward her, glanced up, grateful for the distraction, and stopped cold.
He certainly was not half-naked this time. Just about where Phil’s eyes would be, she met with a gold collar bar framed with brilliant diamonds[MH2] . Mesmerized by his appearance, she eyed hisa subdued gray silk tie and , a perfect foil for his pristine hand‑tailoredwhite shirt. His dark suit was also obviously tailored, fitting his large frame perfectly. No padding; she remembered the breadth of those shoulders and power of that chest.
Steady down, girl. Vickie took a deep breath, to try to steady down. She —and stopped mid‑inhale, rattled. The enjoyment she had gotten from burying her face in his naked shoulder that night had nothing on how with a rattle. Naked, he smelled now.of skin and sweat and a hint of spice. Civilization did nothing to tame that, only adding a faint layer of expensive cologne and the rich smell of good cloth.[MH3]  Bottle it up and sell it as instant aphrodisiac.
He pulled out the chair next to hers. The sight of his well‑manicured nails and slender, artistic fingers, slender but strong, startled her, incongruent with her memory of him as they seemed. Now why. Why hadn’t she noticed those unusual hands before?
Dimly, she was aware of Phil introducing them.
 “Vickie Johnston, may I present the founder and CEO of the Hawkesclyffe Computer Company and inventor of the HCC300 chip, Sir Humphrey Hawkesclyffe.”
Her hand flew to her throat. This was Humphrey Hawkesclyffe? She was shocked.How could a Humphrey? Hawkes— be a Cliff—? Hawkesclyffe…oh, no—CLIFF!. Not Cliff. Clyffe.
            “Yes“We’ve met,” he said dryly, “we’ve met. . “Ms. Johnston.” He held out his hand, the one she’d been staring at all this time.
Automatically, she took it and received her third shock in as many minutes. She had replayed. Somewhere along the way she’d dismissed the impact of his kiss, but had finally dismissed itbody, his touch, as an overactive imagination, a tired woman, and a warm man. Now, fully rested, in the very unromantic setting of the conference room, he was still a warm man, and his handshake sent tingles up her spine and, warm, wonderful shivers down to her…Vickie looked up, belly, and started her blue eyes wide. He was staring at her quite strangelyheart racing.
Which was totally unprofessional.
Shaking herself, she forced a reply. “It’s good to see you again, Mr. Hawkesclyffe, under improved circumstances.”
“It depends on your perspective, Ms. Johnston. I found our last encounter rather—stimulating.” His lips twitched.
            Phil watched the interchange without comment, but Vickie thought she could see his“Stimulating?” Phil’s eyes gleam. ‘gleamed. “How so?”
Why, the little hustler, she thought, ‘Phil. He thinks he hashe’s got a lever now to getmake me to take the account. “I’m sure Mr. Hawkesclyffe is exaggerating.” She smiled sweetly at Hawkesclyffe. “Indeed, Mr. Hawkesclyffe. the big man. “I was under the impression you found itour meeting rather routine.”
 “Please, Ms. Johnston. I told you last time we met—call me Cliff.”
Sweet circuits on a stick. Phil looked like a dog in a proctologist’s office. This would never do. Phil looked like he did when the Giants had played the Bills in the Superbowl, and he’d bet on the Giants. “I’m sorry, Mr. Hawkesclyffe. You would have to call me Vickie before I could possibly…”[MH4] 
“Of course, Vickie. Does that stand for Victoria?”
How did this infuriating man stay one step ahead of her? She sat quickly. “Phil, don’t you want to take Mr. Hawkesclyffe—er, Cliff—over to meet Jerry?”
“Your president?” Cliff slid smoothly into the chair next to hers. “We’ve met.” Phil smiled, nodded and walked away, to Vickie’s severe discomfort. .“Jerry Fitzwater is already aware of how I feel about you.”
Vickie fumed. Someone was so getting a decimal point moved on his paycheck.
“Jerry Fitzwater is already aware of how I feel about you.”  This took Vickie completely by surprise.
Vickie’s attention swung back to Cliff. Even though he had delivered that searing kiss, he had otherwise treated her like a sack of potatoes. Could he…? “How do you feel about meanything like she felt? “Which is?”
“You are the oneperson for thisthe job. I will have no other.”
            Oh. TheNaturally, the job. Vickie tried not to look disappointed. “What a fine compliment Mr.—ah—Cliff.” Well, what did she expect? Kulinahr had told her flatly, he that Cliff was a businessman.
            Thinking about Kulinahr, and how. How sad and tired he hadhe’d looked at their last meeting, she felt the. She had a sudden urge to take Cliff by the shoulders and give him a good shaking. If she could reach his shoulders. If she could shake a truck.
            Instead, she replied with an attempted haughtiness, “But She scowled at him. “I don’t think our president is aware of how I feel about you.”
            “No,” Cliff replied, eyeingeyed the man they were discussing,. “I’m afraid he is.” He
Then he turned to her, and she received the full impact of his penetrating gaze. Vickie felt and her  blood heatheated faster than sugar in a microwave. ‘Cool off, Vickie.She had to resist an urge to fan herself. Damn it, Sir Humphrey is after your brain, not your body.’  “He is prepared to  “Oh really?”
“Yes. Jerry said he’ll double your salary as a bonus if you take thisthe job.”
            Damn the man. And damn the job. Oh, how had he made her hate a job she normally loved? And how had he convinced Fitzwater, whoShe blinked at him. How had he managed that? Fitzwater had been known to cut his own kid’s allowance for not trimming the grass around the garden after mowing two acres of lawn, to doubleyet Cliff talked him into doubling her…double?
            “I am also prepared to “I’ll  add a hefty bonus upon completion of thisthe project, if that’s not enough. And I’m a bit more generous than your president.” He smiled slightly.
            Vickie found [MH5] Good Gates, what that smile did to her curiosity piqued.innards should have been illegal. It certainly was incendiary. She shifted in her chair to get her blouse to loosen up, swallowed a couple times, and said, “Why? I’m good, but for that kind of money, so are a lot of other people, for that kind of money.”
“It takes some time to explain, and I’m afraid the meeting is about to begin. I would prefer to discuss this later—perhaps over dinner?”
            Dinner?“D…dinner?” An intimate dinner with Cliff hadthe big hero might have been one of her most enticing fantasies duringin the past fewlast couple weeks. She was sorely tempted. But no, she had to remember Kulinahr. And her own fragility where this man was concerned.That Cliff was a businessman, not a hero. “Thank you, Cliff, but I…”—”
“Great. I’ll pick you up about six. We’ll go to Birmingham’s.” He turned his attention toRusterman’s.”
“But—”
“Okay, let’s get started.” Jerry, who was now standing behind rapped on the podium on oneat the end of the table, leaving Vickie gaping.
            . “Ladies and gentlemen. Please. Can , can everyone sit down so we can begin this meeting?”
Mel thought he was brilliant. In reality his domain was Mel dot huh? Sitting between Mel and Cliff was like being between the sun and Pluto,’ she thought wryly.
Jerry Fitzwater rapped for attention on the podium.. “Ladies and gentlemen. Today begins an historic occasion, and an historic collaboration…”
Vickie tuned out Fitzwater’s droning. She could not, however, tune out the warm scent of the man next to her. How had he done it? How had he, against her wishes, cornered her into going out with him? She sighed. All right. Truthfully, it wasn’t against her wishes. But it was against her best interests. Getting involved with a man like Cliff, who could leave an impression on her after an instant that blotted out anyyears of other men, but who would never consider her anything but good business…no, that was trouble she didn’t need.
A brilliant thought occurred to her. She’d just say no. Now, while he couldn’t argue without disrupting the meeting. She nerved herself andto say no. Going to say no, going to do it now…she turned toward him, to whisper her regrets that she couldn’t make dinner that evening, and.
And nearly fell ininto his lapempty chair as he rose to take the podium. Three strides accompanied by enthusiastic applause (most enthusiastic from Tess and Joy, Vickie noticed) brought him to the head of the table, a position which seemed to be made just for him. He removed the podium from the table and stood comfortably surveying the group. Then he spoke.
“An historic occasion.? Perhaps. With the speed that new information and knowledge is coming to us, however, I willI’ll settle for being on the cutting edge of technology. Or, as some prefer, the bleeding edge.”
He stopped and, one by one, met the eyes of each person around the table. Vickie could see his His penetrating gaze assessingseemed to assess everything: their reactions, their mood, even their expectations, evaluating their reactions.
He reached her and the blue of his eyes blazed. She squirmed in her chair. He smiled slightly and went on.






 [MH1]A closer POV means getting inside Vickie's skin.


 [MH2]Dude. We so used to have collar bars.


 [MH3]Originally I imply she's smelling good stuff "burying her face in his naked shoulder". But doesn't actually showing what she's smelling have more zing?


 [MH4]ellipses (...) are for trailing off. em-dash (long dash) is for interrupted speech.


 [MH5]Filter word. Generally not needed.


 [MH6]The sound and smell of Mel is so much more satisfying than just being told she's sitting next to him.