Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved
and Cliff met
Phil, coming in to check on a procedure run.
“Hi Vickie, Cliff.” He
stopped. “Vickie, you’ll
never guess what I just heard on [M1] the office grapevine .” He grinned evilly at Cliff. “Not that I ever
spread rumors, you understand . Well,
actually I talked to Jerry, and I consider that
fact, not rumor.”
“You feel sorry for that jerk
Pinlow[M3] ? I’d have fired him long before now, or at least put him in rehab
He smiled and followed her to her sedan.
She should be happy.
was what she was trying to achieve, right? A
good professional relationship. Then, at
the end, they would part . No regrets,
no hurt on any side.
she pulled into a parking space
. She pushed the irritation
and doubts away, replacing them with the anticipation
of a good dinner. You
better on a full stomach.
She and John and Tess and
and the others had come often to this restaurant to talk and relax after a long,
hard day’s work.
Cliff rolled his eyes.
Before he could say something,
Vickie added, “And two orders of cheese garlic bread, Terry.”
[M1]This made no sense from two standpoints. First, as a senior manager Phil wouldn't have been gossiping. Second, he wouldn't have come in at 9 at night to check a process. These days the cool kids have VPNs and net in. So I changed from a face-to-face meeting with Phil to a phone message from Tess.
[M2]Whether she would have felt the Schadenfreude or not, it doesn't make her a sympathetic character to admit it :)
[M3]A recent round of Biting Love edits made me aware I use names in dialogue far too much. Thank you Christa :)
[M4]Early on I showed something, and then just to be sure I got the point across, I explained it too. Both showing and telling are rarely needed.
[M7]While this is perfectly valid, I'm coming around to the idea that stuff like this is superfluous. Knowing looks, thoughtful looks, are all variations on the beat, and kinda worn. I'm deleting many these days. Next step is to come up with a fresh replacement :)
[M9]Again, one of my early problems was putting events in order. I knew what was about to happen and so it seemed perfectly logical for his reply to be lost to her AS SHE WALKS AWAY. But in reality that sentence is experiences as His reply is lost to her...what? WHY? Oh, yeah, she's walking away. The solution is simply to put the events in the order they occur. She walks away, so his reply is lost to her.