Friday, May 3, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 151-155 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved

Chapter 10Ten
The last Friday of Cliff and Vickie’s vacation from corporate responsibilities saw them competing, again, in the company gym.
“I don’t…know why…you do this,” puffed Cliff.
Vickie couldn’t even answer. Her lungs hurt too badly. much. But she was half a flight of stairs ahead of him, and she grinned wickedly. Totally worth it.[M1] 
But as the routine ended she glanced over and saw she’d won…er, got more stairs. So totally worth it.
Cliff startedtottered painfully over to the bench, but by the time. Vickie made it there, he had recovered somewhat.  He smiled,tottered behind, grateful to collapse on the bench next to him. [M3] 
But Cliff took a few deep breaths and managed to slow his breathing only a little fast. from freight train to nearly normal. The cheater. He smiled. “Ready for another round?”
She whacked him with the palm of her hand against his muscular shoulder.  It made aThe satisfying smack, but cost her.  stung[M4] . “Ow,” she muttered[M5] , pulling the.” She nursed her hand back and nursing itagainst her breasts.
“Serves you right,” he noted.” He smirked.
“Does not.” Damn. She was going to have to work on her comebacks.
“Does too.” Cliff grinned and stretched his long legs out in front of him.  ““Your CEO abuse is highly frowned upon in these here parts.”
“Ha.” She was finally getting her breath back. “CEO stands for Cliff’s Ego’s Obstinate.”
“That’s reaching a little.” Cliff flung his arms over the back of the bench, tilting his face up.  “Shit!” he cursed, and the Suddenly his grin of savored effort became a rictus of pain.  ““Yeowch! Got a cramp on my shoulder. Does it hurt!”
Vickie was instantly solicitous. sprang to her feet. [M6] “Put your arm back down and hold still,” she instructed as she got up and .” She scooted around the back of the bench.  She felt with herWhen he’d creaked and groaned his arm into place she pressed fingers and located the into his back between his shoulder blades, and slowly felt the vast acreage for the knotted muscle. “It’s a good one,” she said as she began massaging.” She located the offending tissue.  “Just sit and began massaging. “Sit still and we’ll have ityou fixed up in no time.”

            Yikes. Fixed up in no time, how June Cleaver. Although finally touching these lovely, warm, broad shoulders was soooo nice…
She mentally slapped herself. “This is your fault, you know. If you hadn’t gone and made this a contest, you wouldn’t have gotten a cramp.  God, whatWhat a macho!”
“My fault,” Cliff retorted in an ?” Cliff’s tone was aggrieved tone. . “Who reset her machine to compete with mine?”

            The cramp “You didn’t have to raise the ante.” The knot under her fingers began to ease and. Vickie’s fingers relaxed in response. With a will of their own, her hands began stroking his shoulders and straying to his chest. ‘ I’ve wanted to His lovely, oh-so-caress his body for so long no-able chestcaress!?’

            She dug ? In a definitely not-caressing move, she dug her fingers savagely into his bulging tricep.  triceps.
Cliff yelped in agony. “I thought massage was supposed to stop it from hurting.”
“Sorry.” She let up a bit, not trusting herself to say anything.  more. Since she’d realized she had fallen so deeplywas falling [M8] in love with Cliff, she hadshe’d been especially careful to keep things light and frothy. If he even guessed she considered him perfect marriage material, she…that was too damned close to lovesick. She knew he’d push her away, and she’d lose even their friendly encounters would evaporateenjoyable friendship.
But it was hard, and her emotional attraction madegrowing emotions pushed her, if not to make it almost impossible to suppressa lasting relationship, at least to take it the next step, into the physical one.

            ‘Keep yourShe struggled to keep her mind on the task at hand. Don’t think about any thing else, especially not that back. Keep those visions of masculine muscles out of your mind.  Empty your mind, Vickie. Hard, thick muscle roping miles-wide shoulders… Okay, since that doesn’tdidn’t work,. So thing of something, anything else.  Okay, since that doesn’tLike their competition…so much fun. No, like eating while they worked…meals shared, watching his sharp white teeth bite into a sandwich, masculine lips moving… Crap. Okay, since that didn’t work, pretend you’re petting Dad’s dog.  Ha!’
Her strokes had softened again, and now. Cliff had relaxed, his head into her stomach.  Her handslolling onto her middle. It felt right, there against her body. She sighed, gave up and just enjoyed. She [M9] stroked his shoulders, neck and back, surveying the terrain and storing all the data for later retrieval. He sighed, the  in reply, his tension seeming to flow out offrom him through his feet into a puddle on the floor.  Her breasts , his head relaxing completely against her. She cradled his sweaty head, gently wiping the moisturehim between her arms as though from a baby’s brow.  ‘He fits perfectly,’ she thought.  She continued to gently strokecaress his upper body asshoulders. Gradually the realization that dawned—they were really alone together sank into her awareness.

            Cliff took Vickie’sHer hand as it strayed over his shoulder onto his chest. He took her hand and kissed it lightly. brushed it with his lips. His breath was warm. She bent over slightly as he.
He turned his face up and back.  His, his mouth opened to say something.
Their eyes met and locked, the air suddenly crackling with tension.
Her  heart missed a beat, dropped down to swell her loins, jumpedbelly, leaped back tointo her throat and finally settled in her breast, pounding at the bones of her chest, clamoring and clanging in excitement.  Cliff’s hands came up and She cupped herhis face as sheand came back around the bench. He cradled her face in return and stood. Her arms wound tightly around his shoulders, pulling her into him as he stood, bending over herthem together.

            Cliff’sHis breathing was strong and vital.  Vickie hadShe’d never known anything like it. How anyone could express their openness and desire through their breathing was a new revelation in com munication.  Cliff stepped closer and Vickie felt her communication. Her body foldfolded into his, molding to the curveshard planes of his body. She stroked his back and felt him strokeas he released her face with one hand and stroked her hair.

            ‘I never knew a man’s kisses could taste so wonderful,’ she thought, remembering Ron for a moment.  Cliff’s hands moved down to Vickie’s shoulders and back, gently yet firmly pulling her to him.  Any further thoughts of Ron were hopelessly lost. No man had tasted anything as wonderful as Cliff. With a little moan she thrust her tongue into his mouth in return. His hand glided down her hair to her back, then her hip, tugging her into him. [M11] She reciprocated, her hands wandering in an idyllic garden walk down his well‑muscled back to his taut buttocks.  Cliff’s hands (His hand—oh, those hands) his clever hand—cupped under Vickie’s her rear and massaged gently.  Vickie felt her Her legs growgrew weak and her pelvis flowflowed into molten lava.

            “Ah, Vickie, this is the way it should be.  Not all that constant fighting.”  She feltsweetheart.” Cliff’s arousal presspressed insistently against her, and for the first time she could notcouldn’t find any excuses, not that he wanted his brassboard, nor that he was trying to butter her up for the job.

            VickieHe wanted her.
She trembled with excitement.  He wanted herHis kisses came hot and fluid over her mouth, increasing in fervor.  Vickie suddenly knew that, notNot only did he want her, but he wanted her now.

            Ironically, it was her certain love for But while she wanted [M12] him that made her unsure of this encounter.  She had finally swept away the veils on her emotionswith body, heart and seen the truth.  She knew she loved Cliff in all walks of her life.  She knewmaybe even soul, he was the match for her, in all walks of her life.

            But he had nothadn’t given her the least sign that he wanted her in any way but this.
            Vickie remembered how she had felt after both her Echoes of Ron, her broken engagement and herlost job had failed.  She hadthudded painfully in her chest. She’d lost everything.
She couldn’t go through that again.

            And this time she had already lost her heart.

            She broke away from Cliff’s armshim, feeling as though a part of herself was tearing away.  “No, Cliff, please stop. I—I can’t do this.

            Vickie felt Cliff’sHis face tensed; his eyes harden on her.  hardened.
“I really want to, but I can’t, I just can’t. I’ve worked too hard to be professional, and these office romances always turn out sour.” She turned away and tried to put on her corporate mask, to rebuild the crumbling wall that protected her from this man.  But her mask kept slipping,. She erected it too hastily; she turned back and the way Cliff was lookinghe looked at her—equal parts anger and disdain, but both underlined with pain—made her want to crawl in a hole and die.  So haltinglyshrivel into a worm.
It was the pain that made her suck in  her breath. Haltingly, fearfully, she told him about Ron.

            “And, afterShe didn’t dare look at him while she talked. She finished up with, “After Ron left me, I put my whole self into my new job. I worked hard to get back my self‑respect, and a lot of it isit’s tied up in my career and I can’t lose it again. If I go to bed with you, and it doesn’t work, well,…Cliff, don’t you see? I’ll have lost both. my self-respect, my job…and worse, your friendship. I can’t handle that.” Hesitantly, she raised her eyes and finally looked at him.

            Cliff gazed at her intentlyHis gaze was intent, seeming to peer into her psyche. Then his eyes softened and he looked down.  “Yeah, I know.  . “I understand. It’s okay.”

            He understood.  Oh, no, that just made it worse.   VickieThat softness, that understanding…she did something she swore she’d never, ever do again. She broke down and cried. Really bawled this time.

 [M1]Our way of expressing ideas informally has changed
 [M2]Changed from telling about the competition to a small bit of showing her in competition.
 [M3]more showing in action vs. the old telling
 [M4]tell vs show
 [M5]Variations on said used to be common and encouraged. No longer. Changed from tag to action tag.
 [M6]huge tell vs show
 [M7]Again things have changed such that internal dialogue is expressed differently.
 [M8]Again, finding herself in love immediately is no longer part of the genre. A little uncertainty is good.
 [M9]There's an implied giving into her desires but since her actions change, the reason must be stated explicitly.
 [M10]Show versus tell applies especially to intimate scenes :)
 [M11]This is still a little awkward. Hopefully I'll smooth it further in the next pass.
 [M12]Irony in the middle of lovemaking interrupts the flow. It should be reserved for when you actually want to pause the reader's reading.

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