Friday, May 31, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 176-180 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved

As Vickie helped a wounded Cliff back to the car (they had taken the red sports car today) she suddenly realized[M1]  what ) the manager had said. manager’s words echoed in her head. Your wife. It had sounded so natural, she hadshe’d hardly noticed at the time.  ‘Grow up Vickie.  It’s not natural unless you have She glanced at her left hand, wondering what a ring on your finger.’would look like there.

What Cliff’s ring would look like there.

“You’ll have to drive.” He handed her the keys, his lips thinned and clamped together.


            She was immediately concerned[M2] . That tossed any other thoughts out of her head. “I thought you were okay!”


            “No.  I’m in pain.”


            “Oh, Cliff, we“I am okay. Except for the pain. That’s excruciating.”

She fussed getting him settled in the passenger seat. “We should have gotten that leg in cold water, right away.”

“It’s all right. We’re close to home. I have some first aid things there. You remember the way, right?”


            She thought, ‘how could I forget anything do If it had to do with you?’


            him? She remembered. But she just said, “Of course,” and climbed into the driver’s seat.  Cliff eased himself into the passenger side as Vickie, and attempted to start the damn beast.

She flooded the engine, so she had to pushher foot on the accelerator pedal towhen she turned the floor.  Then it started, roaringkey. The car roared to life so suddenly she pulled her foot immediately off the pedals, both [M3] accelerator.  and clutch. The engine coughed and died. Cliff muttered something about really being in pain now, but merely smiled at her when she looked at him.  A thinShe pushed in the clutch and tried again. His smile was thin, but she wasn’t going to be picky while she was fighting with this miserable machine. They would have taken her car, but she had been floating in the afterglow of…the engine hummed into life.

Surprised, but pretending not to be, Vickie pulled out into traffic. Cliff was strangely quiet. She found out the reason when they had gotten to his bathroom, just off the master bedroom.  TheHe grabbed a yellow and white tube of ointment from the closet, then closed the lid of the toilet before dropping his trousers to sit.

Revealing a huge red mark was lividblotch marring his leg.[M4] 

“Oh, Cliff!” she exclaimed.

He gritted his teeth and fumbled with a small tube. “Wait until I get this damn anesthetic ointment on. Then I can properly appreciate your sympathy.”

She grabbed the tube away from him and expertly opened[M5] , twisted it open and began smoothing ointment over the burn. “Just like my baby brother,” she murmured.

Cliff sighed appreciatively,, closed his eyes and relaxed against the tank. “That feels good.”

“It’s a pretty nasty burn. . Maybe I’d better take you to the emergency room.”

He opened one eye on her. “Not in the coupe.”


            “Phft. “Phooey. Your car is not more important than your leg.”

“The leg will heal. Besides, the pain is gone, thanks to that anesthetic. See? Perfectly numb.” He pinched the reddened skin idly.


            She got an idea.  “Well, I think we should “You really ought to go see a . You aren’t afraid of the doctor,” she said, beginning to slip, are you?” She slipped an ointment‑covered hand under the edge of his shorts.

He leaped up. “Now, Vickie, let’s not be hasty.” He edged back toward the door.

She pursued him, backingbacked him into the bedroom. “Cliff, I’m just concerned. Bad burns can become infected, you know, unless they’re properly taken care of.”

He stopped, interested. a half-smile curving his mouth[M6] . “Would you take care of me? Properly?”



            He nodded.  “A bad one.” His eyes twinkled.


            She approached him closely, placing her She touched tingling fingertips againstto his chest. “Well, in that case, you’d better strip to the waist and put on a paper gown.”


            She watched, fascinated, as“Yes, Doctor.” Cliff slowly unbuttoned his shirt with his clever fingers. As he drew the edges back from his chest she was fascinated by the play of muscles. Removing it, he twisted and drewtossed it back over the working muscles of his chest.  Then he removed it, tossing it over aa corner hamper in the corner.  The turning motion. Turning threw his lean waist into relief.  He lookedHe stood straight, shoulders back, arms relaxed and ready and pretended to look around. “No paper gown, Doctor.”[M8] 

She swallowed. “Well,. I guess you’ll just have to lie down on the examining table without it.  .” She waved at the bed. “I’m a busy doctor you know. Don’t have time to wait for restocking.”

He obliged, stretching his big frame completely out on the bed.  She Muscles bunched and stretched under his sleek skin as he folded his hands behind his head. She closed her eyes briefly as pure desire shimmered through her. Then she swallowed again, opened her eyes, and climbed uponto the bed next to him.

“Now let’s see. First I need to check your respiration. Breathe for me.” She lowered her mouth onto his, concentrating on the silky feelthe silk of his lips under . He gently rubbed his mouth against hers.  When she touched She licked his lower lip with the tip of her tongue, and he made a feral sound deep in his throat.


            ThrilledI did that she could excite him, she raised her head. . A thrill sparkled inside her. “Next, I’ll check your pulse.” She kissed lightly down his jaw until she reached the smooth skin of his neck, which. Gentle, she nibbled gently. his throat. He groaned softly, but otherwise did not move. . She used the tip of her tongue to trace the tendon down his neck to the top of the great swell of his chest.

“Now your heartbeat.” She placed her palm on one side of his chest, only half‑covering his massive pectoral. She used her lips on the other, kissing his smooth, taut skin. When she reached his nipple, she used her tongue ontongued it, as he had done to her, teasing it, then closing her lips around it, hard.  He groaned more loudly at that, exciting her.  “Well, your respiration. His louder groan echoed inside her. “Respiration and pulse are healthy,”  she murmured, kissing.” She kissed the underside of his heavy chest. “Let’s see about that abdomen.”

She wiped the resther hands clean of the anesthetic ointment on the edge of the bed covers, andsheet, then used both hands to explore the tense hardness of his flat belly. She ran her fingers over the dark ridge of hair, tracing it downward from his navel. Then she brushed her lips against that hair, feeling it tickle. It tickled.

“Doctor,” he whispered. “I think you’re a bit overdressed for this examination.”

“Why, so I am.” She got up off the bed. Remembering the lip-licking vision of his slowly‑emerging chest when he had stripped offstripping his shirt, she took her time about opening the buttons on hers, teasing him with a partial view of her frontcleavage, then turning when it was time to unhook her bra. She gratefully pulled off her shoes and pantyhose, then slid her skirt a little more sensually down her hips. She turned back to him, holding her arm across her breasts and looking at him a bit shyly. After all, Ron had never let her do this.  Cliff’s eyes were burning.

Cliff’s eyes were burning.

She kissed his mouth, throat and chest until her own groin throbbed.  Then, awkwardly, she Then she moved down, kissing his neck and throat, then his gorgeous chest, tasting his skin, the scent of sandalwood and man and the heat of his body pushing her farther, faster, until the ache hammered at her. She raised herself on her knees over him and nodded back toward his hips. “You need to lose the shorts.”

“Yes, Doctor. Right away Doctor.” He slid his hands between them and curled his legs and with a lithe yank got naked. Then he laid flat again.

She straddled his hips., awkwardly because Ron usually insisted on missionary.


            HisCliff’s hands were there immediately to help her, guiding her hips over him and around him. When she was ready, she pushed herself down on his body. [M9] 

He groaned deep, eyes clenched in his chest, sending apleasure. A thrill washed through her. Ron had never, neverever let her do this. Cliff not only let her, he seemed to be enjoying it.

She set her own rhythm, pleaseddelighted when Cliff matched it exactly.  Then thrust upward in a perfect synch.

She dissolved intoin pleasure.  Unwittingly,Her legs melted and she sat down on him, pushing him all the way in.  Shesheathing him completely. When he hit bottom she gasped, her thighs clutch ingclutching him involuntarily.  .

He called her name, releasingand shuddered his release into her, shuddering. . They trembled together as pleasure coursed like cleansing fire through Vickie’s veins.

The last shudders left her. Heart pounding in her ears, a while longer, then Vickie relaxed onto hisCliff’s big body, not breaking their contact. . Slowly, hisher breathing steadied. His had already slowed. Lulled by the gentle rise and fall of the chest under her, Vickieshe slept.[M10] 

 [M1]Realized--a filter word, which distances the reader. Better to be in her head with her actual realization.
 [M2]was is a weak verb, especially with what's going on here. Then, the rather clinical word "concern" exacerbated by a -ly word doesn't work for her being scared and worried. Toss is a much better word. This really ought to also be accompanied by the sensation of being worried, heart pounding or some such.
 [M3]Cars are ever so much better built these days. I'll lhave to pick a sports car to get this passage right. Some don't have clutch pedals any more.
 [M4]He suddenly appears sitting. I thought I should specifically seat him.
 [M5]-ly opened is weak. Twisted is a nice strong verb :)
 [M6]The dreaded POV slip. We've been in Vickie's head. But unless we see it on his face, we can't know Cliff is interested.
 [M7]I've been doing a lot of raised and cocked eyebrows lately. Trying to mix it up.
 [M8]This whole sex scene was a lot of filter words and action, without enough experiencing through the senses. I added some taste and smell. I could do even more with experiencing how Vickie is hearing and feeling her breathing, which should be increasing, and her heart pounding, etc.
 [M9]This was far, far too fast in current hot scene writing. I'll probably extend it even more for the final version.
 [M10]The final run to climax and moment of orgasm also was glossed over too quickly. I would have done even more but the WisRWA convention starts tomorrow (as of this editing) and I have preparations to make. Even art sometimes is on a clock :)

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