Friday, May 17, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 166-170 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved

            Their eyes met, and she saw for the first time how carefully he watched her, gauging her, as though he could see the warring emotions inside her, and. Then he smiled; he[M1]  knew how the battle had been decided.

Vickie dropped her gaze, and found herself looking at the chest she had been caressing just moments ago in the gym. She reached, hypnotized, to touch the droplets forming on hisone broad chestpectoral[M2] , and as she did so, he movedstepped closer. Her eyes jerked up.


            VickieShe stood breathless before him, a whisper separating them, gazing wonderingly at the open desire in his eyes. He waited a moment longer, then,  nodded as if he was sure that she was ready, he and took her in his arms and. He pulled her completely toflush with him. The full contact electrified her.


            Cliff smiled contentedly, eyes half shut. Eyelids lowering sensually, he gave her a satisfied smile. One hand slowly caressed her back while the other turned off the shower.  VickieShe breathed deeply of his scent, clean and warm. Stretching against him, she savored the silky feel of his skin against hers.


            VickieShe turned her face to rub her cheek onagainst his chest, and he. He dropped a gentle kiss on her head.  HeAnd when he touched her cheek with his thumb, reassuring to reassure her.  She she looked up at him, no longer hesitant.  Then slowly, taking his time, he His smile heated to intense desire and he lowered his head to kiss her mouth.

He kissedtook his time, kissing her quite thoroughly[M3] . She was dizzy from the kiss before he released her to breathe, only to take her mouth again, this time even longer. He explored her lips, tasting them, teasing them, savoring the sweetness of her mouth.

He licked a bit at the corner of her mouth, then lightly kissed her cheek and temple. When he nibbled her earlobe, she felt a thrill runran down her spine to her hips. His tongue tickled her ear.

Then he kissed her mouth again, long and luxuriously. This was so different from Ron, even from Cliff’s other kisses. He was in no hurry.  Feeling slightly woozyWoozy[M4] , she lay back in his arms and was surprised when he picked her up from the floor.

He cuddled her into one brawny arm, deepening the kiss. With his other hand he began to lightly explore her breastsbreast, circling onea curve with hard fingertips, then flattening his hand and cupping her. She sighedgasped when he moved so that his palm brushed softly over her nipple. “Cliff?”



            Vickie felt warmWarm [M5] and buzzy, and the words would not come. So, reaching up, she put herslid a hand on top of his, pushing against him, trying to make him give hergo harder and faster, to get past the pressure she needed to relieve the tension she felt building inside.preliminaries Ron had always found awkward. [M6] 

“Wait.” He slowly licked and nibbled the sensitive skin of her neck, his. His hand now movingmoved lazily down to caress her soft belly. Tension trailed his touch. She attempted to arch into thathis hand, but could gain no purchase against his arm. Frustrated, she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull herself up, but he merely released her to slide slowly, agonizingly, down his taut, muscular torso.

He took her hand and smiled into her eyes. “More?”

“Please.” She panted it a little.

He lead [M7] her by the hand out of the shower room and into his locker room. There, he lay her down on a mat, placed one big thigh between her legs, and lowered his weight onto his arms. Her eyes widened at the sight of his huge chest and biceps swelling. Then he lowered his mouth to her breast, kissing the curve underneath, then on top. Vickie gasped when he used the tip of his tongue to wet the nipple, watching with interest asmaking it puckered. pucker.

She wanted him to suckle her, to feel the hot tug of that clever mouth, and pulled on his head.

“Not yet,” he said, kissing.” He kissed the other breast just as sweetly. After lingering there, he trailed small, gentle kisses down her torso, stopping when he reached her belly. He shifted his weight down slightly, then licked her abdomen so lightly with his tongue that she could only feel it withhis tongue tickle the small hairs there. A few more kisses brought him near the place she throbbed with tension, and she moved. She slid her legs open so he could access it, but he skipped over it to nibble her thigh.  She groaned with her desire, built up . Finally. Ron would have been inside and almost to her limit. done by now.


            But Cliff skipped over her sex to nibble her thigh. She groaned with her desire; he was stoking her need, building it up until she wanted to grab him, throw him on his back, and take him.

“Cliff, please,” she gasped, but.

But he only licked the other thigh, tracing a line from outer muscle to smooth, creamy skin inside.  Finally she could stand it no longer.

“Enough!” She grabbed his head with both hands and to stop his sensual torture. “In, now.” She tried to pull him up her body, to make him give her the release she desperately wanted. He did not movesmiled lazily at all beyond lifting his bodyher and lifted himself in a pushup, leaving just enough room to accommodate hers; instead, her body. She swallowed heavily at the sight of tense arms and chest. She wanted him, and she slid down under him, legs wanted him now. She scooted downward to put her hips beneath his. It trapped her legs between his.  Then, with

With one big hand he captured both her wrists. Slowly, he allowed his weight to rest completely on her. And there, finally was the proof that he wanted her as much as she wanted him. His erection pulsed along the length of her belly, exciting her unbearably. Unable to move, she looked up into his face, trying to gauge his intention. . His smile was still languid, but deep in his half‑lidded eyes glittered powerful, raw desire.

Again he waited. She knew he waited for her readiness.  In the long seconds, she felt at last the answering tension in his own body, waiting only for her. . And knowing he wanted her and cared for her pleasure, she parted her lips, inviting him to share in herself.

He kissed her hard then. . His tongue pushed her mouth completely open, driving into the sweet depthsher with hot fire.  He used his freeA hand to cupcupped her breast, testing the weight of it and excitingthumbing the nipple with his thumb.  His mouth soon sought what his hand held, and she gasped when he until little shocks made her whole breast heavy and full. He bent and suckled her. She gasped. His hand roamed over those parts of her he did not cover, feeling her silky hair and soft thigh and smooth hip.  At last he freely, along her hip and thigh and then to brush fire along the groove of her sex. She moaned. He set up a rhythm and the fire burned higher, threatening to overwhelm her.

Just before it did, he rose from her, parting onto his knees. Desire naked in his eyes, he parted her thighs with his big hands, desire naked in  his eyes. . He slid one hand under her hips, raising them, and put all his weight onto his other arm. Then, with a concentration so total it consumed them both, he drove himself completely into her.


            He had prepared her so thoroughly she peaked immediately.  Even so, when she had finished her release, it only took the rhythmic thrusting of his hips to bring her back to a higher level of excitement than before. Shockwaves burst through her. She whimpered and clutched his brawny back as he began to thrust, rising even higher. He bent his supporting arm to kiss her again, increasing his pace. . She wrapped her arms around his neck, buckling his supporting arm and pulling his chest down him completely on top of her. His weight was welcome, exciting. He slid his hands down her hips and thighs, pushingcurling her legs up around his waist.  VickieShe locked her legs at the ankle, driving him in even deeper.  WrappedShe wrapped him completely in her body,; he lostseemed to lose all rationality and poundedbegan to pound into her with his total strength. [M8] 


            Sensing his abandon, VickieShe held ononto him for dear life.  He was, her only anchor in the whirlwind of sensations gripping her deep within her thighs, where Cliff. He was generating enough friction within her thighs to make her burst into flames.  Then sheShe felt him swell, and pause, release imminent, but still waiting…waiting for her.

The knowledge that he cared for her, even in the extremes of his desire, pushed her over the edge, and she was falling, shuddering, pulling him with her. It went on for longer than she could ever remember.  ThenGradually it was over, but even the echo of their release was sweeter than any that came before. slowed. Echoes throbbed sweetly. A deep calm washed over her.   She felt Cliff cuddleHe slid onto the mat next to her, pulled her into his arms and cuddled her to him. She looked up at him with sleepy eyes. With a naturalness she that would have surprised her another time, she curled up in Cliff’shis arms and fell asleep.[M9] 

 [M1]This is the dreaded head swapping. I think it's subtle, but we're supposed to be in Vickie's point of view. So a bald "he knew" seems to be in his head and is jarring. But add an expression and now she can see in his face what he's thinking.
 [M2]When I originally wrote this romances were defnitely closed-door and vague terms when it came to physical love, or at least the romances I was reading at the time. I really like a more explicit language.
 [M3]I was into slow buildup :) But telling doesn't create the feeling as well as showing.
 [M4]More filter words cut to show cleaner writing.
 [M5]more filter words
 [M6]On rereading, while they've gone through the motions of making love, I as a reader wasn't anywhere near tense, so it was too soon for Vickie to be at the point of needing to "relieve the tension".
 [M7]You can read things a thousand times and still miss stuff. This should be led.
 [M8]This whole thing needed a better buildup. He strokes, she's there doesn't quite cut it.
 [M9]And once we are there, a bit more lingering is good, plus defining the moment with small actions.

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