Friday, June 7, 2013

Hot Chips and Sand 181-185 Draft Comparison

Hot Chips and Sand
Copyright © 2013 Mary Hughes
All rights reserved

            She awoke the next morning, the The sun streaming [M1] through the window.  the next morning woke her. She blinked. This wasn’t her flat…? For a moment, she thought she was back in her flat, before the Hawkesclyffe job had startedThen she smelled his smell, opened her eyes, or she’d ever met Fahrrad.
Cliff’s scent, masculine and remembered.  Cliff was not in the bed, but the tangy, brought the present sharply into focus. A warm depression there letnext to her know he had stayedsaid they’d slept the night with her. here, together. She smiled to herself.  Okay, then,[M2] 
But where was he? She got up to find him, dislodging a whiff her own smell. Change of plans. Shower first, find Cliff after.
He stuck his head ininto the bathroom while she was taking a shower.  “As soon assoaping with some silky body wash. “When you’re done hereready, come on down to the kitchen for some breakfast.” He left a steaming cup of coffee next to the shower.
She brought the empty cup down with her a short while later. Cliff was setting out two bowls, spoons and some milk. He turned to smilesmiled at her. “I’m afraid this is Hannah’s day off. We’ll have to suffer with cold cereal.”
Vickie scanned the boxes in the cupboard. “Hey, look—Fruit Loops! My favorite!” She blushed. “Uh, I’ll bet you’re thinking I’m being a bit childish…”
Cliff brought the box down calmly. “Would I have gone out and bought some if I thought you were being childish?”
She stared at him with saucer eyes. “You knew?”
He shrugged, opened the box and poured cereal and milk for each of them and shrugged. . “I thought it might be advisable to have something around you might like…for breakfast.”
“Why, you, you overbearing, egotistical…”—”

            “You do like it, don’t you?  Or would“Would you rather have cold pizza and orange juice?”
Vickie sat down and shut up. Conceited man, she thought. Conceited, wonderful man.
“So,” Cliff said as he took the seat across from her, “I thought we could maybe go shopping today.”
Vickie munched Fruit Loops. “What about the project?”

            “C’mon Vickie[M4] , it’s“It’s Saturday. Let’s take the day off and just do something else. . Better yet, let’s take two days off.”
“Well, I have heard the zoo here is the best in the Mid‑ westMidwest.”

            ““It is. And there’s a theme park just an hour away. We could spend a day there.”
“That sounds like fun.”
“Fun—what a concept.”
“Now, Cliff, sarcasm doesn’t suit you.  I’d like to go to theHow about [M5] theme park today, and we can visit the zoo tomorrow.  Can? Oh…can we stop by my apartment and get a change of clothes? And maybe my car?”
The day at the theme park was lovely. For all his sophistication, Cliff was just like aapproached both rides and lines little boy at heart, wandering around the park with wide eyes, laughing in delight on the rides. . She was amused to watch him [M6] trywhen he tried every new food stand, and was touched when he gavewon her a plush teddy bear he’d won at the ring‑toss.
They spent the night at his house again. A wonderful night, filled with talk and love‑making—and a little sleep.
The next day they spent at the zoo. Vickie felt like they were a pair of children, holding hands, oohing at the lions and laughing at the monkeys. He bought her ice cream, and took her on the little train that ran through the zoo grounds.  She amazed him inIn the reptile house she amazed him with her extensive knowledge of snakes, acquired from many years living with a younger brother. On the way home, they stopped for pie and coffee, and talked about all sorts of things. It absolutely amazed her how much they had in common.
Too soon, however, it was Monday morning, and time to go back to work. Cliff had a breakfast meeting with a prospective employee, so Vickie arrived at the office alone.
Tess met her.  “Well,“Are you all packed, you lucky devil?”
“What are you talking about?” Vickie brushed outsat down at her red‑ gold [M7] hairdesk and put her purse in her deskaway.
“You and the boss and a sexy foreign location, that’s what I’m talking about. And don’t pretend you don’t know about it. It’s been in the schedule for a week.”
“I haven’t read the schedule for two weeks. I’ve been on ‘vacation.’” Vickie smiled. And what a vacation, Vickie thought with a smile. . “So no, I don’t know about it. What sexy foreign location are we headed to, Chicago?”
“No, you dip. dipwad. The Middle East! The Arabian Peninsula! The…”
“The hotbed of unrest! The…” Realization hit her. Middle Yemen!
“No, he can’t!”  She moaned, sank into her chair and .” With a moan, she covered her face with her hands.
Tess shook her shoulders. “Vickie, what’s wrong?  Are you okay?  What is it?”
Vickie simply shook her head with a terse motion. . Tess waited for a long moment, then. When Vickie continued to moan she left the office, shutting the door quietly behind her.

            HeCliff had lied to her.

            He had meantHe’d planned for the security system to go to Fahrrad all along. Profit meant more to him than anything, even personal integrity.
She tried to remember the little boy Cliff must have been, small, defenseless, misunderstood.
Or had he lied about that, too?

            They had spent Had the two week vacation been a lie too? The whole weekend spent together, and he hadwhen he’d talked with her, he had played with her, he had made love to her.

            Or was Was that more camouflage?

            This was the The man she wanted she’d thought to spend her entire life with.  Oh, was she thathe even real? She felt so stupid? . Just because they had made love, just because she wasmight in love didn’t mean he was going to be any different.
Vickie had thought she finally knew Cliff.  But, but she didn’t know him at all.  There was Even putting the best face on it, that some of what he’d told her was true, meant a part of him, the was a stranger. The part that negotiated with Fahrrad and ran away for two months without explanation and dealt with Kulinahr as a head of state rather than a person.

            ThereMaybe that was aonly part of Cliff, maybehim. But it was certainly a big part, that was a stranger to her.
As she waited for Cliff to arrive at the office, she gradually painted him deeper into the role of cunning seducer, conniving businessman. She had been right all along, it. It was only when he touched her body that her head had been outvoted. She should have paid attention to her head. She knew how bad office romances were. She should have listened.
The door flew open, startling her. Cliff strode in, smiling. She stood up and looked at him,drank in the sight of himand her head was fooled again. She mentally slapped herself with his damn self‑assurance triggering all the feelings of professional inadequacy and personal vulnerability, and she felt[M8] . He’d used.  her. She let him have itjumped to her feet.
“How could you even think I would go to Middle Yemen after what happened there? How dare you?”
He looked as though she had slammed her fist in his gut. The impostor, trying to play on her sympathies.
“We’ve been working on Fahrrad’s system all along, haven’t we? You dirty liar. You know what he’s planning, you. You know he’ll only use the money for upheaval and cruelty and suppression, but you don’t care, do you? All you can see is the profit, the bottom line. Well, here’s the bottom line from me, Mister. . Go. Get out! Good riddance!”.” She obstinately refused to acknowledge she was shooing him out of his own company.
He closed the door gently and stood in front of it. “Please don’t jump to conclusions just yet, Vickie. . I only finalized the deal two weeks ago. I would have told you sooner but you were on vacation, after all. . And the bank version is still viable…”—”

            “You had every intention of dealing with Fahrrad, then.  You lied to me.  No defense system, you said. You didn’t deliver that message in person either; you leave the love‑sicklovesick women to John.”
He moved closer, cautiously. “It’s not what you think.”
She retreated behind her desk, where she stood, trembling.  “What is it, then?  Oh, no, wait.  You expect me to trust you, right? ? Like I trusted you for the past three months? Like I trusted you this weekend?”
Like I trusted Ron?

 [M1]The sun streaming is a stronger noun/verb to start the scene than she awoke.
 [M2]I was taught that the paragraph leads to the statement with the most impact, that the important sentence is at the end. Well, yeah but. Many people sample the beginning of a parargraph but if it doesn't grab them, will skip it. If you put important information at the end, MANY PEOPLE WILL MISS IT.
 [M3]Dialog should sound natural but convey deeper meaning that real chatter would.
 [M4]I did an awful lot of c'mon Vickies. Dunno why.
 [M5]Here is where I changed dialog from natural chatter to natural-sounding but sharper.
 [M6]watch is a filter word. Much better to catapult right to her being amused.
 [M7]Eek. No reason for her to notice her red-gold hair.
 [M8]Felt. Filter word. Jump right to what she's feeling. The reader will get that she's the one feeling it, and that she's feeling used, not seeing or hearing it.

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